I let it run down until the last drop nearly every time now. My doctor hates that I do that. Then again my doctor hates most of what I do. Diabetes is no joke, but sometimes you have to do the most ridiculous things out of spite and a sense of principle. So one of my rebellions is letting my insulin in my insulin pump completely run out. If I pay that much for that stinking vial, I ought to use every last drop shouldn’t I?

Of course it usually runs out overnight. Which means I have several hours in which I’m asleep where I’m not getting any insulin at all. Dangerous, I know, but I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of not caring all that much about it. My illness will probably kill me one day anyway, if not from lack of insulin from all the other diseases I’m more susceptible to because of this one.

That probably seems really morbid, and you’re not wrong. It probably seems like I’m being overly dramatic, and you’re probably not wrong either. Some people find encouragement in the diabetic community. I don’t. I’m not good at taking care of myself, and to be honest I never have been really and I don’t need judgmental diabetics who work harder than I trying to “encourage” me. It makes me feel worse.

I’m thinking about all this because of the holidays. The time when everyone shows they care for others with food and candy as well as gifts. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I love food. Too much probably. My blood sugars are never good around the holidays…or at any point for that matter. My A1C is not something I look forward to next month, much less the bills that come after. I dread those moments waiting for the severe look and tones from her throat. It’d be better just to throw myself off the building after each appointment. It feels the same.

The holidays are always a bit more depressing anyway, not to mention winter being colder and darker that all these feelings come up unexpectedly and seemingly from left field but far more frequently.

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