Why I Started an OnlyFans

I have always been all dressed up with no place to go.

Well, except the internet.

Yes, OnlyFans has a reputation for being a predominately porn site. I get it. It’s security is high, is vetting precise so people can put their more risqué images out there, but for the most part there is a remarkable amount of interesting non-pornographic things on there.

I too had once fallen prey to the ideas that it was such an evil place, but the more I looked at my finances and the amount of time and energy I put into my social media posts, I began to start thinking about what it would look like if I stated asking for compensation for my content.

Not that I plan to post the same content as I do on my social media.

Lately I’ve been spending time thinking about what it means to love your whole self. Flaws, imperfections, and dark sides of your personality. I always felt, having been raised in a Christian home, that if God loves our whole selves, even the ugly parts, then why don’t humans give themselves the same courtesy and grace? As I went though Life Coaching with Megs, I started to rekindle this thought and discuss ways of having a healthier relationship with my body, and this idea of wholeness came back to me.

I know I am a sexual being. I know I am a beautiful being. Why am I limiting my avenues of expressing that? What would it look like if I had an OnlyFans?

I only started myOnlyFans at the beginning of the week, and I’ve already had a lot of fun building content. I’ve stepped outside of my comfort zone for sure with some of my glamour boudoir shoots and I’ve really been upping my game with my photo editing skills.

As I’ve spoken of before, I’ve really struggled with being able to sexualize myself. Looking and feeling sexy is a thing that I’ve not really felt in regards to my constitution. Sure, my face is pretty, but I’ve not been able to express the bounds of my sexuality because of my inability to sexualize myself. After multiple open and honest conversations with my beau and lots of thoughtful considerations as we discussed finances and such, I came to the realization that if I struggled to sexualize myself, having an OnlyFans really wasn’t that big of a deal for me.

We brainstormed outfits together, I got my camera cleaned and ready to go, and I conditioned and brushed my many wigs.

My focus on my OnlyFans is mostly going to be on full or half body glamour shots. I have an extensive collection of beautiful dresses, ballgowns, and vintage wear that I’ve spent years collecting, and never seem to wear outside of my home (especially since COVID). I figured if I needed an excuse to wear these things, that I would probably need to do something constructive with them. After conversations and brainstorms I decided I would do glamour shoots to post bits and pieces of during each month (perhaps in a theme…we shall see), with a boudoir or pinup shoot sprinkled in every once in a while.

The first days of content building were a struggle. Mainly because my camera is older, and I don’t have a remote for it. Still, I did all I could to make it work. I set the scene in the spare room, picked my outfits and props, got everything set and staged, and spent most of the afternoon setting my timer between shoots. The results were hit or miss, because I kept running into the issue of when I got in front of the camera…I had no idea how to pose. Again, lack of sexualizing my body made me unaware of what to do to look sexy.

Thankfully, I at least knew how to look glamorous. Which isn’t much different.

I tried a little bit of everything. Twisting and contorting my body this way and that, and constantly reviewing the results. I focused more on image compositions and things I had seen on Pinterest and what I had done as photography for other girls when I was making ends meet in college. Focusing the camera correctly was also a difficult task, because without me in front of the camera at the moment of focus I struggled to get clear images.

The moment of truth was when I sat down at my computer and started editing, and I had to say I was pretty pleased with the results. Sure, not everything turned out as I had expected, but I was able to get a good amount of images for an introductory post and then some.

As I looked at the images, I had the opposite reaction I though I would. Instead of being more critical of my body, I was actually less critical of my body than I had realized.

I started looking at myself as I would a renaissance painting in a museum or a marble sculpture. Sure, I did some skin smoothing and removed some blemishes, as well as evened out the skin tone, but for the most part I kept the curves and rolls that I was once afraid to show off. I didn’t see them as flaws.

I saw them as realistic and part of my whole self.

I Hate the Word “Influencer”

I’ve never really liked the term “influencer.”

I’m not really fully sure why, but I think much of my reservations about the word are because its never my intention to influence people….except to influence people to be free thinkers….which is a little bit of an oxymoron. Or is it ironic? Maybe both? I don’t know.

I feel like I’ve not done much influencing really. All I’ve done is share. I’ve not been sponsored to share my preferences with people. Not yet anyway. I’ve been asked to be a brand ambassador and have declined. Even with Tell-Tale Books LLC and Three Crystals LLC I’m not trying to influence anyone to do anything. I’m just sharing the things that bring me joy and perhaps if someone wants to buy my jewelry or read a book I recommend, that’s their business.

I suppose I think less of social media as an audience and more of a community. A tribe. I don’t want to influence my tribe in any which direction, I just want to share my joys with them, and I want them to share their joys with me. I want to make real connections with them that resonate with them. I want what I share with them to benefit them, sure, but I don’t want to force it on them.

I think that’s ultimately why I don’t like the term “influencer.” I think it sounds manipulative, and I don’t want to manipulate anyone in my social media circles to do anything they don’t want to or can’t afford to do. I don’t want people to feel influenced. What I do want people to feel, is in control of their own choices. I want them to feel empowered to listen to me or not.

I want them to be explorers.

I also think as designers and marketers we spend a lot of time using poor language to describe an audience. It’s so corporate and cold, and no one likes that anymore. Especially me. I’m just as much a person being marketed to as anyone else, and I don’t like it. It’s old news. I’m sick of advertising. I’m sick of promotions. I’m sick of being just a statistic or used. I’m sick of commercial breaks and pop-ups. I’m sick of being part of a capitalist construct.

But hey, it’s America, and this is what it is.

I like to call audiences what they are. They are communities. Especially since COVID. The virtual community has become extremely important in light of the Pandemic. It’s the place where people found comfort in their physical isolation. It’s where they shared their most intimate thoughts with others and even made a few new connections. It’s where they nursed their loneliness, their family relationships, long distance relationships, gaming sessions, and their music. It’s been everything from a creative outlet to a therapy session in more ways than one. It’s been their community and support system, and the dynamic of online use has changed so much in the past few years, that as designers and marketers, we have to respect it for what it is.

The internet has become more than a place of commerce. The Capitalist ideal of the internet in America has changed into so much more and with so much more zeal. Not that it wasn’t a community before. For many it has been this community for a very long time, but since the pandemic, it’s changed now for nearly everyone. A respect for that needs to be better secured.

What does that mean for influencers? Advertisers? Entrepreneurs?

It’s a difficult time being in marketing and design. The old ways of marketing have disappeared. A revolution has taken place, and it’s far more community driven than it is marketing driven.

It means changing the narrative from “buy my shit” to actually making a difference. It means working towards more than just an online sale, but actually supporting change in the world actively. It means spreading ideas instead of just offering a product. It means letting the world be big, but being willing to meet your smaller communities and needs. It means growing where you are, and sharing what brings you joy. It means less ad campaigns and more proof of being a team player in a community that has a foot in both the real world and a virtual one.

It also means that communities are looking much harder at what you’re doing. Who you’re supporting. Political affiliations. What you CEO does on vacation and the intimate details of your team. It means you are being watched like a hawk by a community that also is heavily influenced by cancel culture. The world is more suspicious than it’s been in a while. Bad news travels faster than good news and is sensationalized more, and no longer is it true that “no publicity is bad publicity.” Bad publicity is officially bad publicity.

But publicity has to balance its self more. It can’t be all happy all the time. Thats just not real life, thats toxic positivity. It has to be real too, and sometimes that means apologizing for faults publicly. That means putting out the information openly about the bad product or security issues. That means sometimes posting the thing that went wrong and being willing to laugh it off and try again. That means making the community aware of back sales. That means sometimes dealing with backlash with transparency. It means truth in advertising, and posting that hilarious but scathing review. It means you can’t hide the ugly anymore behind all the positive things you’ve wanted to.

It’s a balancing act. A very delicate one. Which is why designers and marketers are so important now more than ever, because businesses need someone to help them listen to the community.

Science, Christianity, & Vaccinations

I was watching a YouTube video analyzing the colonization in the variations of the Lost World movie. As I listened to the valid and philosophically/historically thoughtful analysis I found my mind wandering back to what I had learned in college about the pursuit of science and often the dark past it presents.

I recalled the opportunity to visit the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Evanston, Il when I was a sophomore in college. There was an extensive exhibit of the scientific experiments conducted on various prisoners of Nazi Germany as well as their propaganda and philosophies involving eugenics. It changed my perspective in a lot of the basic information we know today about human survival, including but not limited to, knowing the average amount of time a human can hold their breath underwater all the way to rocket science research (several former NASA leads were Nazis).

In light of COVID-19 the issue of vaccines has been a hot debate, and while I myself am vaccinated fully, I did so knowing the limited data and health risks and the alternative to involuntary research…the potential of less ethical means of conducting said research.

The history of science is not without its grey areas. In the past scientists have conducted research on people groups without their knowledge for the sake of perusing knowledge that could potentially save millions of lives. Circular arguments can be made for days about the ethics of this, but it is the unfortunate outcome that has strewn the scientists of the past and today with a bad reputation, and it does not have an easy answer.

Personally, I have chosen many times to be part of the scientific process voluntarily, because whether or not I participate, science will seek one way or another. To give myself to science voluntarily is far more ethical than scientists going to other countries and practicing on unknowing people or using financial means of exploiting the poor to participate in scientific research.

Recently, when speaking with a friend about science and religion, he stated that he believed a lot of the issues about vaccination and science we are seeing now is because people don’t have a good understanding of how science works. They then turn to religion and conspiracy theories to help them make sense of their ignorance and distrust the scientific process. They focus in on the dark side and the unethical, afraid that it’ll happen to them. That they will be a victim and not know it.

But the only way for science to work ethically, is for there to be consensual and voluntarily opportunities for testing.

When I decided to get vaccinated I had heard all the conspiracy theories that came before it, both religious and non religious. I was raised in a Christian home and very aware of how Evangelical Christianity is handling the pandemic. Which is not well. It’s all over the place. Yet, I had been getting vaccinations much of my life because of my chronic illnesses and hadn’t once had a bad reaction. I had willingly taken part in research for the juvenile diabetes foundation. I was familiar with the scientific process that involves making medical science better and more ethical.

I have friends who’s parents are convinced that I’m going to die the 8-12 weeks from when I got the vaccination because of all the conspiracies they are involved in. I have friends who are Christians who won’t see me unless I’m vaccinated. It’s a confusing time to be part of the Christian community and want to protect others from the virus (assuming they actually believe their is a virus).

But what I find more confusing is how Christians use the Bible to perpetuate their agendas and beliefs.

Most people who are anti-vax and anti-mask say they’re following scripture about anti-fear (1 John 4:18, Luke 12:22-26, Psalm 56:3 etc…) believing fully that they are doing the right thing by trusting God and not man (to the point of believing almost to the point of the theology of the Church of Christian Science) or distrusting the virus’s existence altogether in response. Many anti-vax Believers think the vaccination is a poison or tracking device (as if your phone isn’t) and are afraid that they will die from it. Which is ironic. Because they are only proving they actually are afraid, but of the vaccine more so than than the virus. Or to put it in more specific terms, they are afraid of man and what he has made more than the virus. Or in order to not appear afraid they have to ignore the existence of the virus altogether and claim it is a hoax.

When asked by other Christians to justify my choice to become vaccinated, I too find myself turning to the Bible about anti-fear, but the passages I choose involve much different scripture:

1 Peter 3:14
“But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats.”

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

Jeremiah 29:11 
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Job 12:10
“In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.”

Luke 12:25
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”

John 15:13
“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

If I die, then I am with God. If I live, it is because God has granted me the days. So whether or not I got the vaccination doesn’t matter, God knows when my end is coming, and I can live peacefully even in what could be my mistakes. What is wrong with death if it means eternity? What is wrong with suffering if it means living out God’s commands?

Bible verses I use in rebuttal to the negativity I often receive for my explanation:

Deuteronomy 12:32
“Whatever I command you, you shall be careful to do; you shall not add to nor take anything away from it.”

Proverbs 18:21
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

Ephesians 4:29
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

Titus 3:9
“But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.”