It sounded like hard pounding on the front door. Three raps in succession. I peeked out the window but couldn’t see the stoop very well, but I saw no cars in the driveway, and I saw no cars on the street. All was quiet.
I assumed that it was probably my husband doing something in the basement since I had heard the vacuum running a few moment earlier.
It when he came up to the bedroom and asked if I stomped for him (something I do when I want to get his attention and yelling doesn’t work) we realized it was something else. I tried to get pants on as soon as I could and my husband went to the door to see who it was. He saw what I saw: nothing. No one on the porch. No cars. Nothing.
We turned on the yard lights and peered out into the yard. We looked out every window seeing if we could see anything or anyone.
There was nothing. We got a little spooked.
Of course, we didn’t want to feel scared, so we started rationalizing. With it becoming dark so early, it could have been kids. It could have been someone who realized they had the wrong house and hauled off. Could have been a crack head who ran after going for the thrill. Could have been paranormal, but why assume it was right away when it could have been any number of other things?
I burned sage through the whole house anyway.
In case of a physical cause, my husband took time to find the antique police baton his grandmother kept behind the register at the bar she owned back in Michigan before she retired. He placed it by the bedside, letting me know he was staying up a little longer to watch his shows, and would keep and eye and ear out for any funny business. I practically hugged the thing, but thankfully fell asleep quickly.
I heard nothing else all night.
Of course I’ve been spending the morning googling that three knocks at the door in quick and loud succession means. Of course none of it is very good, or rather a majority of things I see in the superstition aren’t very good. Usually it says something like someone you love will die, demons are trying to get in your house, or some other ominous meaning. Then of course there are the few places where it says that a loved on is trying to remind you they’re with you or that angels are trying to visit.
None of it makes me feel better of course. I don’t have time or desire for that.
I keep trying to think of reasonable explanations still. It could be that the front storm door got caught in the wind and just sounded like something it wasn’t. It could have been an animal, the deer in our neighborhood get really bold and if the front door flag moved and spooked one while it was exploring our front stoop it could have kicked the door. I mean I nearly hit them in my own driveway with my car with how bold and reckless they are when spooked.
Though my husband and I both experienced it and heard it, it still makes us feel like we’re a little nuts. Is someone trying to mess with us, and who have we made an enemy with? Is there something paranormal going on? Do we have hooligans in our yard? Are the deer organized now?
You can imagine the two of us having anxiety doesn’t help things.
I hate when I get drawn into a click bait title. I don’t find them very useful. Often they’re just some gimmick to get you riled up only to be lackluster “no duh” articles about nothing that really matters.
I assumed this one would be the same, but as I read I started making some of my own conclusions and rationalizing a few things here and there, I realized there was a lot of excellent points to be made and many that were.
The article entitled “Get Rid of Your Books” certainly puts a bibliophile like myself on high alert. It sounds like an “oh fuck no” moment. Not that I haven’t gotten rid of books. I’ve gotten rid of plenty, and not because they weren’t beloved pieces of literature.
I live in a small house, and at one time I would hoard so many pieces of literature that my floors were and sometimes still are, overrun with piles of them. Many I have passed off to friends. Many I have put into tiny libraries in my community. Some have just gone to the thrift store. When I lived in my first apartment I piled books decoratively all over the place, including under my furniture with spines peeking out tastefully… and now that I own a home, I’m beyond that. They’re piled haphazardly all over with all 5 of my cats slinking through it as if it is a great city of literature. A playground that could tumble down at a moment’s notice.
Tumble they do, and they shake the whole house as a cat or two scampers away from the site of terror. It’s almost a game to them these days.
My mom always comments on how I need a bigger house just to house my books and my husband’s DVDs. I jokingly ask her if she plans on buying me one. We both laugh about it, and I remind her that when I bought my house was an ideal time, because my tiny little single story ranch style house would be unaffordable to me in this market now. She isn’t wrong though, I would love a larger house (preferably a Victorian in good shape) to put our collections into. I just can’t do it and don’t every expect to be able to either. I plan to die in this house.
So my only option is to get pickier about what I’m bringing home, and start to clear out what I’m not able or willing to get through.
Which brings me back to the article. Because I like the perspective the writer offers here:
But what if, in this quest to declutter, we think about our physical books not as baubles with which to impress potential mates, but as a way to exist in, and relate to, the world. When you give a book away, you have given it the opportunity to befriend a stranger. You’ve given it the opportunity to dazzle, to dismay, to make an impression. And no, you’ll probably never cross paths with that book again. Even a loan will not find its way home to you. But if you’re lucky, some years from now, you may hear someone mention a scene, or allude to a plot, or even misquote a passage, and you will recognize the spirit of your old friend, even outside its corporeal form: “I read that once, a long time ago,” you’ll say. You’ll say, “I loved it, too.” – DORIE CHEVLEN
I like thinking of stories as shared pieces of work, and while I enjoy sharing those pieces of work through our YouTube reviews, this makes an excellent point of using these books as sharable stories, and the greatest gift of sharing you can offer, is setting them free into the world as physical and tangible objects when you are done with them.
That is partly why Tell Tale Books LLC wants to move forward with making our own published copies, but it’s also why we offer our Etsy, to share these (in great condition) stories with others. But there is a sense of good karma in passing off a physical copy to a friend or family member without the intention of needing it back. Rehoming feels better than giving to a thrift store, where it’s a hit or miss that anyone will find value in the piece. At least with a friend, you feel a little better knowing that it may sit on a shelf and be passed onto another during its time.
It’s within human nature to share stories, and as we traversed oral history and myth into written literature, the desire to tell stories and consume them hasn’t lessened. It’s actually grown, when we consider the increase in literacy all over the world. It’s the sense of ownership that has grown as well. It’s easy to have books as a means of establishing a sense of self. We relate to literature either through enjoyment or having it resonate with our own human experience, so the desire to collect books specifically is a means of collecting an identity and signaling to others that we have these simplicities and complexities that are stored in these stories also within ourselves. It’s escapism in some cases, sure, but there are ideals and adventures held within a piece of literature that we can only wish to reach or achieve, and we no less wish we could and feel we can when we read these books.
All this is why it’s so difficult for a collector to let go of a piece of literature. There is so much self and sense of relationship with a book. It’s a person reaching through the past or present in a way that is so daringly intimate and thrilling it can’t help but feel like building a relationship. The book becomes a friend.
While I can’t help but agree with the article that we are allowed, have permission, and should share great books as physical objects…people like me will continue to struggle to do so. Will I probably continue to peel through my books and try to pass off what I think isn’t going to continue to serve me more than once? Sure. Will I still die drowning in literature? I sure hope so.
I’m very affected by weather. Rainy days make me tired. Sunny days give me energy. I can feel air pressure changes in my ears frequently with the damage done from my chronic ear infections. The weather can affect my mood just as much as the temperature outside can affect my blood sugars. I experience SADS when it’s winter dreary and dark. Despite my best efforts, I am affected by nature, and have learned to accept that and roll with it as needed and just listen to what my body needs as the barometer changes.
A friend of mine shares a similar experience and as we discussed it she told me one of her friends said he felt it was a weakness to be so affected by weather. It was a sign of “weak character or a weak internal self” according to him.
As we discussed his opinion, I personally feel like that is a common reaction for people to have when they find out how affected by weather and nature some people are, and it’s easy to label those kinds of people as “snow flakes” or “sensitive.”
So what if they are? Why is that bad?
I would probably self-identify as a sensitive person. Not in that I’m easily offended, in fact I’m quite the opposite. It takes a lot to offend me, and I’m certainly not afraid of conflict. But I am very aware of how things make me feel and I’m able to rationally evaluate if my reactions are relevant or if I’m reading into something too much. I have a lot of understanding for imperfection, being imperfect myself, and I leave space for people to shoot off their mouths and let go of it knowing that not everything said is relevant. Probably all as a result of hyper vigilance with a family that has a lot of mental health and anxiety disorders and seeing to survive with some sense of self-worth in tact, but also a good indicator that I have fought long and hard to have a great deal of self awareness and strong emotional intelligence.
When it comes to my physical being I’m constantly paying attention to how I feel. Diabetic issues have subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle physical signals of something going wrong. Noticing these things makes take care of myself before things get to a place of emergency. Stress, anxiety, pain, pleasure, and so many other factors can cause a myriad of physical reactions because of my chronic illness being unable to automatically regulate those things like they can in a healthy person. Not to say normal people don’t notice or feel sensations, but their bodies can chemically regulate them much more quickly and efficiently than mine can.
Because physical sensations can cause the body to have physical reactions, my diabetes often reacts to weather. For example, cold weather makes my blood sugars really high and hot weather gives me more low blood sugars. Being in tune with how those things make me physically feel are a part of life and death for me. It’s a survival skill to notice those things, and often a mood swing caused by a blood sugar fluctuation is a pretty good indicator something is up and needs addressing. Cold rainy days make my blood sugar go up and usually shows its self through excessive thirst, irritability, and exhaustion. Taking insulin, hydration, and a nap is a good answer to solving the blood sugar issue when I can’t go outside for a walk to exercise because of the bad weather. Usually a solid nap, drinking water, and/or a hot shower can help bring down my blood sugars a little too, though the nap tends to be most effective for me personally.
If those things are caused by “weak character or a weak internal self” then I suppose I’d be considered “weak” which isn’t uncommon for someone who is chronically ill with mental health issues to be labeled. But I ponder the phrasing and wonder what having “weak character or weal internal self’ actually means? It seems like it would be a very subjective judgment to pass on someone, especially without knowing them well or having a more solid foundation to your rationale. It’s very narrow view if you ask me, with a lot more complexity than portrayed in his statement.
I think the industrialization of western culture, religion, and probably overall colonialism is what has developed this idea of being affected by nature being a weakness. It’s seen as a strength to overcome and “have dominion” over or conquering nature as Judeo-Christian culture would lead us to believe, because we have developed to a point where culture seems to think we don’t need nature as much as we once did. Modern amenities, while often rooted in nature, feel so far away from nature that it is easy to think there is an overall separation that is not necessarily true. We have placed walls between us and nature so well, that we often forget how dependent we still are on the earth and our own instinct.
As the human race became less dependent on productivity being reliant on nature the idea of conquering nature was positively reinforced. The discovery of fire conquered darkness and cold so people didn’t let themselves sleep at night and could be warm and productive during the cold and dark winters. Electricity took it another step where there are places that operate all night long producing products that aren’t necessarily needed for life, but certainly make being “productive” easier, faster, and make more money. People sleep less than they used to and don’t necessarily rest when it’s dark, because there is a perception that we no longer need darkness to prevent us from doing things, and thus no longer need rest.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” has become a remarkably common figure of speech in Eurocentric cultures. Are people still tired? Sure, but it often doesn’t stop people from being “night owls” for the sake of productivity and fulfillment through entertainment or a social night life.
Capitalism doesn’t help this either. The more “productivity” out of a business, the more potential to make a profit. Then the more you can pay your overnight workers to keep the incentive to work the graveyard shift (that’s only if you’re a good employer mind you), and the deregulation of the body can certainly affect a human in more ways than one. As capitalism took root in western Eurocentric culture, we started to see industry boom, new discoveries, and the potential to do more with more tools and more technology. This obsession with productivity for the sake of commerce has taken its toll on the public as a whole, and with it has come the misconception that to have any sort of “primitive” or “primal” urges that are in sync with “human nature” (with an emphasis on the “nature” part) is uncivilized. Only “savages” and “third world” nations lived in tune with nature, because they lacked the philosophy, religion, and/or resources to conquer nature. Thus nature, over time, became obsolete to a majority of humanity and only associated with a lack of civilization and the negative feeling of being limited and thus less productive.
Now, it’s not uncommon for people to equate their whole identity with their productivity in their careers, and in doing so, one has to feel a sense of overcoming those natural signals that nature gives us that something is amiss. We fight nature instead of honoring it.
I feel that to live in tune with nature, and have those primal part of us still in tact, are a strength. The primal desire to survive keeps us alive. The primal desire for sex and pleasure keeps us from dying out and losing our sanity. To feel changes in weather acts as a warning that it’s time to take cover. To feel tired or depressed on gloomy days encourages us to rest and reflect, since in ancient times to rain meant not much was going to be done outdoors. That there is still a feral wildness in us ready to unleash at a moments notice is ferocious, comforting, and necessary for survival. It’s not “falling prey” to the primal, as we often are lead to believe. It’s not limiting. It is noticing what is within our nature and being able to make the choice to act or not with an enlightened knowledge of circumstances from our always developing cognitive abilities.
To deny those pieces of self are to deny yourself the benefits or warnings those instincts and feelings bring. They’re a superpower in an industrialized age, not a weakness. It is our wildness coming through, and it deserves and serves our notice.
I had taken he statement lightly at first, but the more I thought about it the more it bugged me. Though it didn’t surprise me. This isn’t an uncommon comment from most of my male friends.
I think our culture likes to think that women who have very normal libidos are unusual. There’s this common misconception that women have very low to no libido, and/or don’t like sex. Which is far too blanket of a statement. There are plenty of women who like sex, and I’m certainly no exception despite my own issues with my chronic illness. I really enjoy sex, and I get disappointed at a culture that has and still predominately perpetuates the stereotype that women are anti-sex.
I see culture changing the narrative a little bit now. At least in media. Sitcoms are starting to lessen the eye-rolling coming from wives when husbands make less than satisfactory moves. However, there is still a considerable stigma against a women who enjoys sex recreationally or for intimacy instead of for procreation. Which I find really weird considering there is pleasure involved so it should be fun right?
American culture has a very limited and ignorant view of women and their sex lives. I think this comes predominately from the Puritanical roots of our western culture int his nation. There is a lot of stigma that European countries (our country of origin remember), doesn’t have in their modern societies, which I feel can only be explained by the conservative roots our nation was built on, and that continue to permeate the culture to this day through the misconception that our nation was a Christian nation and continues to be, even though our nation is a nation of religious freedom.
Thus far the closest thing to the reality of a sex life and how complicated it can feel for women is depicted in Lady Chatterly’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence, which I am currently reading and is a European book that lets go of the taboos of sex more freely and quickly because of the more humanist philosophies that influenced the culture. As much as it is an erotic statement and a first of erotic fiction, it speaks openly and honestly of the relationships between men and women, the toxicity of the lack of male to female communication in relationships, the damage toxic intimacy and codependency can cause, and it’s a very relatable female experience that I personally feel resonates well with my own past relationships and even in some respects my current one.
There is a remarkable lack of accurate information about females and sexuality all the same in modern American culture. Especially in media. To see an actual honest and complex relationship especially one involving a disabled person, was refreshing, albeit a bit shocking for something written just after the 2nd World War.
But I digress.
The female experience has been complicated even after the turn of the century, the sexual revolution, and especially in light of the introduction of technology to American culture. There’s this impression (that I myself and plenty of other women I know) have that heavily suggested that women are to be submissive and breed-able, but not act like they are, and that submission should be given to males even though there is this assumption that women generally don’t like sex, but that women won’t put out unless the male excels at coercion. Which sounds like a bunch of contradictions and pretty rapey.
Personally, it was and has been a struggle to find an accurate representation of women’s sexuality or even assistance with it. Even in the medical field.
I’m not speaking to gynecology. That focuses on the health of the sex organ and woman attached to it. I’m mostly speaking to assistance in the bedroom. Not that the content isn’t out there, but it’s not always accessible. Take OMGYES.com for example. It’s a resource for women to talk openly and honestly about sexuality, sex, and what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom for different illnesses and stages of life. Great right? Yes, but it’s a fairly expensive joining fee and it is only targeted towards women. Which doesn’t help a lot of men who are looking for answers on how women feel and what to do to assist in the bedroom for the comfort, satisfaction, safety, and intimacy of the women they engage with sexually (yes those men do exist).
Much of the content out there that can be helpful and that’s free is unreliable. Mostly focused on the individual speaking and their preferences, versus a medical or scientific approach that can speak to multiple experiences and give biological context. Often they’re just subliminal ads to promote a “sex counselor” or “sex coach” who may or may not actually have credentials in that field. Even podcasts can be free and helpful, but personally I find that most of them are rooted in kink culture and doesn’t speak well to “vanilla sex” couples who aren’t interested in kinks, but just need a little extra guidance on how to build a healthier and more satisfying sex life for themselves without putting on a production.
As you can probably hear in my tone, I’ve had some personal experience in the field of women’s sexuality being misunderstood prior to this text from my guy friend.
I was raised in Christian purity culture, and waited until I was married to have a sexual relationship. My partner was mostly inexperienced as well, so when we got married we knew a little from what we read from Christian books, but again, that was very generalized and in the context of a culture that was focused a lot on procreation, with some, but not much spoken to on the pleasure aspect, other than acknowledging it existed for both sexes, which we though was pretty progressive at the time, albeit not very useful.
As time went on my partner found not only did he have a lower libido than myself (which by no means do I feel my libido is overactive), but he struggled a lot with anxiety in the bedroom as I struggled with stress, which made any instructions I tried to offer lovingly to improve pleasure for either of us to be taken personally and add to the anxiety and stress between us. Needless to say, this affected the ability to perform on both our parts. Eventually my partner realized if he wanted to help improve things in our sex life he was going to have to do his own research, which is how we began to realize that there was a surprising lack of accurate information about females in the context of sex. Even less so for those who struggle with it because of chronic illness like I do with my Type 1 Diabetes.
Opening up our dialog as we navigated tips and tricks on the internet together helped, but it isn’t enough when there are other issues involved, such as fragile egos, mental health issues, resentment, and biological issues to navigate the issue as well. Not to mention the distasteful suggestion from one doctor my husband saw of “maybe try watching porn to help” which is also widely inaccurate and of no interest to him.
Ignorance and an unclear communication because of the taboos of sex and sexuality are a huge issue for couples struggling with these issues. Learning to communicate well with each other as well as learning what resources are or aren’t reliable are going to be struggles for couples for decades to come until we let go of the taboos and realize that there are a lot of people out there looking to realistic female representation and helpful content that isn’t going to break the bank. Until that time comes…we are just going to struggle with continued misunderstanding of women, sex, and sexuality. e
I’m not good at haggling. I hate the idea of something not being priced at what it’s worth. I don’t know if this is because I am an artist and believe fully in things being fairly priced for the work involved and value, or if I just suck at haggling. Either way, it’s frustrating and I dislike the whole process altogether.
So I’m trying to avoid it, but recently with all the car troubles I have been having my ability to feel my vehicle is reliable has waned considerably. Which sucks because I love my car and would love to run her into the ground if I could, but realistically the vehicle industry in the United States and my income rely on having a trade-in. Not that she’s worth much in her age and condition, but she’s worth something towards something better.
So I’ve been looking at Carvana for vehicles, and as I started that journey I was considerably concerned that I would struggle to find anything in my budget that I would like.
Turns out I have the opposite problem. I’m finding a considerable amount of things that meet my criteria.
So the other night my husband and I made a deep dish pizza, got glasses of wine, and sat down on the couch to review the options I had researched while being a bad employee at work. We had started with 20, and I got it narrowed down to 5, with 2 contenders at the top of the list, and the rest serving as backups if those two ended up being sold while we tried to get a loan.
I had made plenty of phone calls prior to the purchase to verbally process my decision. My husband was somewhat helpful for narrowing down the options, but his lack of knowledge about cars made his help limited and eventually he just stated that I should get what makes me happy. So I called my parents and I called my brother who is in finance to see his thoughts on my options and the financing options from Carvana.
After all that I had a pretty good idea of what I was doing and made my decision to purchase.
The loan process went pretty smoothly since I have fairly good credit. I applied online and worked with our local officer when she had a few questions. It took less than an hour to get approval and I picked up the check after work. Then I finalized the purchase with Carvana after a phone call from them to finish up the process and get some information.
My car will be delivered on Thursday at 5pm and they’ll take my trade-in away. If I don’t like my vehicle choice they’ll return my trade-in within 7 days.
It was a pretty easy process that took a lot of anxiety out of the process for me, and while I was disappointed with my trade in offer, I really couldn’t be too picky. I mean my other car was a 2008. She had been through a lot with me. She had her bucks and issues that made me wary of her, but we stuck it out together and made it work. It was time to move on and get something more economic with better fuel economy and that meant downsizing.
I got a 2016 Chevrolet Spark. In a very pretty periwinkle and with only 6,000 miles on it. It’ll be a difference compared to my Chevy Trailblazer SUV, but I think I’m at the point in my life where that change is a necessary one. I’m too busy to help friends move anymore. I don’t haul as much as I used to and if I need to I can always call my dad to help me with his truck. My world is pretty small despite an occasional trip to MI now and again to see family.
I’m feeling good about the decision. Despite all the anxiety about making it. I’m just glad it’s over and now all I have to do is look forward to the new vehicle and the new adventures.
I didn’t correct him, partly because I had hoped he was being sarcastic, and partly because I wanted to drop the subject, but the more I thought about it the more I started to analyze things.
Was this a form of misogynistic influence in our culture?
I mean, the assumption was pretty blatant when I thought about it. I was a married woman, had no children, was not interested in children, and liked sex…therefore I must be a sex addict.
I took it as a joke and tried to move on, but it kept bothering me. If I was a sex addict, I probably would have started sleeping around by now. My husband’s lower libido and emotional sensitivity to stress certainly keeps our sex life from being as frequent as I liked, but I didn’t feel my libido was overactive by any means.
There still seems to be this cultural shock that women enjoy sex for pleasure and intimacy building. There are probably tons of factors that play into this, much of it is perpetuated by media, though I see that starting to change as media and society become more informed, but there is still a surprising lack of accessible information out there.
Medical science didn’t start bringing women and minorities into the research until about 30 years ago. Only in the last 20 has there been an outcry for accurate representation of women in medical science. Cultural influence in America, media, censorship, and a dedication to ignorance as well as other complex factors are to be blamed for the lack of information out there about women and their sexual health (with a emphasis on the separation from reproductive health).
So let me talk a little bit about my sex life, and feel free to stop reading if you’re afraid of TMI. But know at this point I’m explaining to ask for recommendations from my readers.
My husband and I are about 5 years into our marriage and have a pretty vanilla sex life. We are both very affected by stress when it comes to sex, and complications in the bedroom to work stress all factor into performance. My husband has a lot of anxiety and a lower libido than I do, both of which impede our sex life in many ways. Giving him instruction during sex can lead to him taking things personally and not being able to continue. I often rely on masturbation for release because it’s less stressful than asking for sex.
We have decided more recently that it’s best for my husband to do his own research if he takes my instruction too personally. However, there is a surprising lack of reliable information on sexual techniques to help in the bedroom. That which is out there is pretty generic and not very detailed or graphic enough to be understood. The rest is offered by social media, but additionally, requires vetting, testing, and sorting through practical jokes. Sure they claim to be a sex therapist, but how do you know? Who can really vouch for them? Plus there is so much red tape and stigma surrounding the female body that useful information ends up being reported.
There is plenty of kink culture info out there too, but again, that doesn’t help those of us with more vanilla lives.
The lack of reliable information or extremely generalized information makes the research frustrating, but wats even more aggravating is the lack of well done advertising for stuff like OMGYES.com. Great it exists and all, but its expensive for something that doesn’t do much to advertise. It’s also targeted mostly for women. Again, great to have something out there self for women, but wishing for more to educate men.
My husband even approached his doctor at one point to ask if he had any suggestions and his male physician recommended porn. Which was not at all helpful and extremely disappointing. If you can’t even trust your medical professional to help you, then what is left to try?
So we are leaning more towards wholistic approaches. Herbalism and vitamins are not off the table.
Personally I’m looking for podcasts that talk about female sexuality and sex, but my husband is still left in the dark. He’s not much of a podcast listener. He’s more of a video guy and needs to see people and their body language to engage with media content more effectively. So if anyone out there has recommendations for podcasts or YouTubers that talk on the subject that would be very useful to us.
“There are a bunch of administrators in the building today.” My coworker warned me seeing that I was sitting down at the front desk, worried I’d get scolded.
“What’s he going to do? Fire me?” We both chuckled, knowing I was only 3 shifts away from my last day by that point.
Honestly with how busy everyone’s summer was, he couldn’t afford to fire me. I was the only person available for the Saturday shift. Which is my final weekend opening to close shift.
But seriously my back hurt. I needed to rest it for only a few moments. All the other receptionists got to sit down at their stations in the building. Why was it such a big deal that we not sit? Because we are a gym and not necessarily a medical clinic despite our health and medical focus? Still didn’t track.
So here it is. Saturday morning. After today I only have two more shifts at the gym and then I’ll be at the museum all the time, which I’m quite happy about. I was even telling my therapist how it felt good to have some sovereignty back. Some power in my corner since my days here are numbered and I can definitely say no to a few things here and there. As long as I don’t slack on my duties I feel like I’ll finish strong.
My mom always told me to do that. To finish strong. She said that to me all through my school career and then continued to say it into my adulthood when I was moving from one job to another when the desire to be more lax on things would tempt me. I had no desire to end poorly, but I definitely felt I needed to let a few things go here and there. To pick my battles so-to-speak.
So I let go.
People would be upset about something on their member accounts and I felt more empowered to just tell them like it is than I did before. People were rude and I felt better about calling them out on it. I mean they signed contracts…and it’s not my job to babysit and hand hold over 1,000 members. Sometimes my hands are tied. Sometimes you just need to let people suffer through their own ignorance of the contract they signed.
They’re adults. They should know better.
So I’m taking the day in stride. I brought a book incase it gets slow. I have my phone charger incase I don’t want to read and just want to zombie scroll in the meantime. I’m practically counting down the moments to when I no longer have to worry about getting up to come to the gym and just focus on being one place for work and have time to take care of my own LLCs in my down time. Because I’ll actually have down time. Thank God.
With the decision made, I parked my car in the Panda Express parking lot to help me stop shaking and called my mom.
I had no reason to be anxious or have a panic attack. Everything happening was good, but things were changing. Change is hard, and my anxiety was already at an all time high. Weather or not is was from over caffeinating I wasn’t sure.
As we spoke mom reassured me. She understood that I had more options to grow at the museum than at the gym. She knew the museum was my passion and happy place. The fact that they wanted me there more was a huge deal, and she knew that I was burned out on having two jobs and pretty much no free time.
Ultimately, I missed my family and freedom, and getting some of it back was the biggest draw for me. That and the thought that I’d probably take better care of myself if I had the time and less burnout to deal with. My husband already prepared himself for getting me on his insurance. The family was supportive.
All the preparations were in motion.
As I was at the desk at the gym I prepared myself to write my resignation email. I started to tell my coworkers. Most of them were supportive. Some were obviously stressed out about me leaving and how the schedule was going to be reworked. Which was entirely understandable. It could directly affect their lives and schedules a lot.
Still, I wasn’t going to let their stress get to me. I had to do this.
The gym has not been bad to me. I missed having family time in the evenings and on weekends because of my schedule with them and the museum simultaneously, but honestly it was one of the most socially healthy places I had ever worked besides the museum. Everyone gets along pretty well. The pay is very good. Conflict is scarce. Everyone has great work ethic and works well together. The company wasn’t bad either, good benefits, lots of perks, and low exploitation rate for the most part. Even the members are pretty good. Many showing their appreciation or at least verbalizing it to let you know what you do is worth something to them.
The place is just full of really good and kind people, which made leaving it somewhat a hard decision….but not too hard a decision.
I like the gym, but I love the museum.
I love the museum so much that I’ve volunteered for over 7 or so years and did all the things I’m doing there now for free. It’s my dream job. Why wouldn’t I want to be there more?
The museum just makes the most sense for me.
Besides proximity and hardly needing to use gas to get there, it definitely lines up more with my goals and design experience to be at the museum. I love my coworkers and have been working with them for a few years now, so we already know each others nuances and personality quirks. We’ve been there for each other during good and bad. We have seen a lot of life happen to each other. It’s like family now, but with better emotional boundaries and a lot less trauma.
I’m really excited about everything. I’ve only got 10 days left before my last shift, and I only work 6 of those days at the gym. The rest are at the museum, and I’m loving my time there and really looking forward to continuing my journey with them.
I told her honestly that I didn’t know if I had lost weight or not. I’ve not been paying attention to that. I got rid of my scale ages ago. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did though, but I disliked the compliment afterward. How do you know the circumstances under which a person loses weight?
We live in a culture where we always assume weight loss is a positive thing, which is infuriating. Not all of us are happy about it. In my case it means a lot of bad things because of my type 1 diabetes. It means my blood sugars run way too high. It means I’m in Ketosis which can become Diabetic Keto Acidosis very quickly and is an extremely deadly and dangerous situation.
But people only notice the external result, and because our society tends to be superficial they applaud the external result as if I’m taking good care of myself when it is the opposite. The complexities of human bodies aren’t often taken into account. Neither is the complexity of the psyche. The assumption that the person who has experienced weight loss is healthy doesn’t account for chronic illness or mental health issues. We don’t think of eating disorders. We don’t think about exercise addiction. We don’t think about the struggles of being a type one diabetic. We don’t think about chronic pain that can cause either weight loss or weight gain. We don’t think about thyroid conditions that do similarly.
Because as a culture we want thinner bodies to be healthy bodies. Even when they aren’t. It needs to stop.
...Bag O' Magic Soup 