My last few days at work have been stressful. So stressful that I’ve come to the point of considering a change in employment. Though admittedly I was discouraged to find anything else I qualified for in the area. Unless I was a crane operator or a healthcare professional, like a C.N.A. Which I am not.
I’ve been slacking on my scripture reading again these past few weeks now. I’ve been feeling it too. My spirit feels it. Resentment and anger along with an intense depression have been crushing me. I’m stressed. In my very selfish and prideful nature I have not been very good at presenting my cares to God. I’ve sucked at it actually. I always do. My verbal skills feel lacking and I’m wondering if I need to go back to writing letters to God just to get through to Him. I feel so distant. So isolated. Of course, by my own doing.
I got to go to the Museum and print out all my feelings. To be in an uplifting atmosphere again. My only sanity these days. The only place that I feel I actually do something that matters. Preserving history and design. My forte. It’s what I want and love to do. I feel like I’m doing what I’ve been made to do all my life. I just can’t seem to find out how to make it all work and where to go from here. I can’t seem to ask God enough, while simultaneously wishing I could ask God at all. It’s like my heart is in conflict with it’s self. I desire something. Something that feels right to desire. I just feel so small and helpless. I just want it all to work out somehow. I just wish I knew what to do to make it work.
My scripture today was in 2 Chronicles. It was about King Uzziah, who became so powerful that he turned away from God. I can resonate with that. I get it so clearly. I get that corruption. Entitlement. Wanting to play God. What I understand more though is pretty much the opposite. I feel small and discouraged. So much so that I want to ignore God for a little while. To put Him aside and ask for a little time to breath. To not have to hold all the responsibility of acting Christ-like and having to have some kind of integrity. Wanting Him to still be there. Just not so close as to make your heartbreak at everything. Because you feel heartbroken enough.