She had tried to put the moves on him a few weeks prior. He had told me. I was upset of course, but thankful that nothing worse had happened. I was dealing with it. At least I thought I was. I thought I was being a good girlfriend. Forgiving her too, for trying to encroach on my relationship and trying to trust it wouldn’t happen again.
He texted me the other night. “She’s here…” With an explanation as to how he’s staying away from her and not even talking to her. I appreciated him telling me they were at the same party. I told him so. I told myself that our friends were there. They’d be vigilant. But, they were there last time too. No one expected her to be that forward then.
I couldn’t hold it together.
I messaged him back:
“I’m just going to go to sleep and pretend everything was just a bad dream and ignore that this is happening. I’m sorry baby. I’m just not doing okay with this.”
The tears began moments later. He called me. He knew something was wrong, even when I couldn’t figure it out. He asked me what I wanted him to do. Not angrily. Genuinely. Wanting to know how to make this right. So I told him my conflict.
“I don’t know what the right thing is.” I whispered into the phone.
“It’s okay baby. I think I do.”
Eventually he put one of our mutual friends on the phone while he went to deal with the situation. Our friend had dealt with this kind of emotional betrayal once too. Though he had been cheated on. He understood what I was feeling, even when I didn’t. I cried to him. I told him the Pandora’s box that I had been trying to keep shut. I told him I really wasn’t okay.
“I confess I don’t know how to express how much things hurt right now. I don’t know how to handle this.”
“You’re handling it very normally. You’re in the right here.”
“Am I though? I don’t even know anymore. This is the problem with drama, nothing feels right. I don’t want anyone to be alienated from their friends! I don’t want anyone to think anyone hates anyone else. No one is hated. But I just hurt a lot inside and thought I was handling things okay for a while, only to realize I wasn’t handling anything at all. I feel threatened. I feel vulnerable. I’ve never even met her.”
After a few minutes of me just stress crying with whoever was on the phone as they passed it off from person to person, I was finally informed that she had been asked to leave…with an emphasis that she was asked kindly and with utmost respect. Which for some reason really mattered to me, though I didn’t want it to. I had so much inner turmoil I had kinda hoped my boyfriend had just left, or that someone had played it cool and gotten her to go to a different party. Or someone started her on fire and pushed her out the door. I wasn’t sure which I actually wanted. I wasn’t sure any of them was actually good enough.
I struggle with it mostly, because I still don’t know how to react. I’ve no been in a relationship that mattered to me this much. I hadn’t been in the kind of place where someone wanted to take someone from me. I have never felt so personally attacked by someone, much less, someone I don’t even know. I don’t even know what she looks like. That’s one of the the issues with long distance relationships. It’s like she’s an ambiguous entity that I struggle to even believe exists. A shadow in a distant land.
When my boyfriend got home I found myself apologizing for reacting so badly. He was soft to me. Kind and nurturing while my emotions were still tender. He hadn’t even wanted to go to the party out of fear that she might be there. His friends convinced him it was unlikely she’d be around. Of course they were wrong, and he had told his friends he wanted to leave, but in turn they offered him protection. Kept him away from her. Kept her away from him.
In a way I had been upset simultaneously with the fact that people seemed to only ask him how he felt once he got to the party. Yet, he was the only one to contact and ask me what I was feeling.
Needless to say, I found myself still respecting my friends a great deal. How they cared about our relationship and my emotions enough to ask another mutual friend to leave. How they respected my desires, even though I wasn’t sure I actually respected my response. I didn’t know it mattered that much to them. That I mattered that much. That we mattered that much.
Situation over and crisis averted, I’m still trying to figure out my own emotions on the matter. Mainly because I am not a person who doesn’t know why I’m feeling something. I’m usually very self aware. Very practical even if I am emotional. Granted this did happen on Black Friday after my 12 hour overnight shift. Perhaps I was just over tired? Then again, I think if I was well rested, I don’t think I would have been as honest and raw as I was while over tired. I can almost guarantee it. I would have over thought it to some kind of diplomacy, and that diplomacy I would have had to deal with…even if it was unsatisfactory to myself. If any of that makes sense.
I suppose I’m glad I at least got my feelings out there. People know now. Maybe that was the problem before. People couldn’t react because I had not yet reacted. Sure I told my boyfriend how I felt, but no one else knew but him. Even he got my diplomatic side, because I had told him how I felt while he was venting about how stressful it was to try to get away from her when she tried to put the moves on him the first time. He had tried to honor my wishes, but got sidetracked trusting his friends to know her where about a when he was just as clueless as they and vice versa. He was trying to be careful. Trying to be loyal. I respect that.
Still, I don’t know where to go from here.