Black Friday: Post Work Drama

She had tried to put the moves on him a few weeks prior. He had told me. I was upset of course, but thankful that nothing worse had happened. I was dealing with it. At least I thought I was. I thought I was being a good girlfriend. Forgiving her too, for trying to encroach on my relationship and trying to trust it wouldn’t happen again. 
He texted me the other night. “She’s here…” With an explanation as to how he’s staying away from her and not even talking to her. I appreciated him telling me they were at the same party. I told him so. I told myself that our friends were there. They’d be vigilant. But, they were there last time too. No one expected her to be that forward then. 
I couldn’t hold it together. 
I messaged him back:
“I’m just going to go to sleep and pretend everything was just a bad dream and ignore that this is happening. I’m sorry baby. I’m just not doing okay with this.” 
The tears began moments later. He called me. He knew something was wrong, even when I couldn’t figure it out. He asked me what I wanted him to do. Not angrily. Genuinely. Wanting to know how to make this right. So I told him my conflict. 

“I don’t know what the right thing is.” I whispered into the phone. 

“It’s okay baby. I think I do.” 
Eventually he put one of our mutual friends on the phone while he went to deal with the situation. Our friend had dealt with this kind of emotional betrayal once too. Though he had been cheated on. He understood what I was feeling, even when I didn’t. I cried to him. I told him the Pandora’s box that I had been trying to keep shut. I told him I really wasn’t okay. 
“I confess I don’t know how to express how much things hurt right now. I don’t know how to handle this.” 
“You’re handling it very normally. You’re in the right here.” 
“Am I though? I don’t even know anymore. This is the problem with drama, nothing feels right. I don’t want anyone to be alienated from their friends! I don’t want anyone to think anyone hates anyone else. No one is hated. But I just hurt a lot inside and thought I was handling things okay for a while, only to realize I wasn’t handling anything at all. I feel threatened. I feel vulnerable. I’ve never even met her.” 
After a few minutes of me just stress crying with whoever was on the phone as they passed it off from person to person, I was finally informed that she had been asked to leave…with an emphasis that she was asked kindly and with utmost respect. Which for some reason really mattered to me, though I didn’t want it to. I had so much inner turmoil I had kinda hoped my boyfriend had just left, or that someone had played it cool and gotten her to go to a different party. Or someone started her on fire and pushed her out the door. I wasn’t sure which I actually wanted. I wasn’t sure any of them was actually good enough.

I struggle with it mostly, because I still don’t know how to react. I’ve no been in a relationship that mattered to me this much. I hadn’t been in the kind of place where someone wanted to take someone from me. I have never felt so personally attacked by someone, much less, someone I don’t even know. I don’t even know what she looks like. That’s one of the the issues with long distance relationships. It’s like she’s an ambiguous entity that I struggle to even believe exists. A shadow in a distant land. 
When my boyfriend got home I found myself apologizing for reacting so badly. He was soft to me. Kind and nurturing while my emotions were still tender. He hadn’t even wanted to go to the party out of fear that she might be there. His friends convinced him it was unlikely she’d be around. Of course they were wrong, and he had told his friends he wanted to leave, but in turn they offered him protection. Kept him away from her. Kept her away from him. 
In a way I had been upset simultaneously with the fact that people seemed to only ask him how he felt once he got to the party. Yet, he was the only one to contact and ask me what I was feeling. 

Needless to say, I found myself still respecting my friends a great deal. How they cared about our relationship and my emotions enough to ask another mutual friend to leave. How they respected my desires, even though I wasn’t sure I actually respected my response. I didn’t know it mattered that much to them. That I mattered that much. That we mattered that much. 
Situation over and crisis averted, I’m still trying to figure out my own emotions on the matter. Mainly because I am not a person who doesn’t know why I’m feeling something. I’m usually very self aware. Very practical even if I am emotional. Granted this did happen on Black Friday after my 12 hour overnight shift. Perhaps I was just over tired? Then again, I think if I was well rested, I don’t think I would have been as honest and raw as I was while over tired. I can almost guarantee it. I would have over thought it to some kind of diplomacy, and that diplomacy I would have had to deal with…even if it was unsatisfactory to myself. If any of that makes sense. 
I suppose I’m glad I at least got my feelings out there. People know now. Maybe that was the problem before. People couldn’t react because I had not yet reacted. Sure I told my boyfriend how I felt, but no one else knew but him. Even he got my diplomatic side, because I had told him how I felt while he was venting about how stressful it was to try to get away from her when she tried to put the moves on him the first time. He had tried to honor my wishes, but got sidetracked trusting his friends to know her where about a when he was just as clueless as they and vice versa. He was trying to be careful. Trying to be loyal. I respect that.

Still, I don’t know where to go from here. 


Black Friday

No. If I go through those doors and work that twelve hour I have fallen to weakness. I will have let my fear of not having a job overwhelm my sense of dignity and priorities. My self worth even. But, weak is exactly what I will be. Fearful is exactly what I’m going to be. I’m going to do my time. Come home. Go to bed. Then do it all over again. 

Because we are all sellouts letting pieces of paper run our lives. 

Retail For a Cause

Black Friday us upon us, and I’m not at all excited about it. I have to work from 8pm Thursday to 8am on Friday. For what? It feels like just a bunch of greed really. 

Can you all do me a solid? 

Instead of shopping on Black Friday shopping, or even in addition to it,  I want to see people posting and donating to charities. Maybe you can buy some items from the shops that many charities have as replacements for typical gifts? Wouldn’t it make someone feel better if they knew their shirt was for sustainable change? Or if they knew their bag ended slavery? Or if they knew a furry friend was made safe off the streets from their bracelet? Wouldn’t that be something? 
I made a board on Pinterest last Black Friday as I waited to clock in for work. It was midnight I think when I had to officially start. I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of customers and anger people were dealing with. So I made this Pinterest board of all the online retail that I could find that was directly related to charities, and who’s products would make a difference in the world. If you need a place to start, then here is the link : 

Be creative, I just want to see a lot more giving and a lot less meaningless commercialism. It would make my Black Friday a little brighter. Feel free to share your favorite charities in the comments below as well. I’m always looking for additions to the board and caused that need awareness. 

Thanks guys. 

Food For Thought

I have a friend who is very anti-feminist. The story is vague on details, but he often likes to play it up continually. Constant posts about being a “menist” often come into my Facebook feed, and as a feminist our relationship is strained, but I try to be respectful of his thoughts. 

Today he posted this status:  

I found it interesting how a compliment can be turned into a double edged sword. To disagree would mean admitting that not all women are beautiful, not all women are responsible, and not all women should act accordingly. Which is hard, as a woman who is pro-women, to admit. 

The biggest flaw in this argument, is flaw it’s self. What this does is disrespects women for having flaws, just like saying “men” in place of “women” would do for men as well. It puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on a human being for behaving a certain way. 

Another issue with this argument, is we don’t have an adequate definition for “responsibility.” Nor do we for “intelligence.” “Beauty” defined? All of it changed based on age, culture, worldview, perspective, and so on. How can one make a blanket statement about gender at all? 

It is impossible, not just as a specific gender, but as a human being at all, to approach this issue and not realize that everyone in the world, has a standard they hold people to. What makes that even more complex is that standard differs from person to person and relationship to relationship. There is no consistent standard within our own perspective, so how can we even begin to have a standard for an entire people group as a people group? 

You can’t. 

I lay out the way I want to be treated as an individual and let others decide how to approach me. Weather or not they want to meet that standard and value me as I value myself, or to betray that standard and disrespect me. I often have to learn to forgive them if it was an ignorant offense. I often have to find ways of telling them how they offended my standard and feel out how they choose to respond. I often have to remove repeat offenders. That’s just life. That’s just the only way to deal with people, is based on how you value and respect their boundaries and how they choose to do the same for you. In turn you learn to appreciate them, get to know them, and figure out if your personal standards are compatable or not. 

By that point, it’s not a gender issue. It’s a personal one. Personal issues can be dealt with much more easily, because the problem has become smaller. It’s become individual. Not a mass people group you’re trying to put into a box of “all of them.” It’s manageable, and yes, there will be common ground, but this stereotype of humanity is too big a problem to blanket anymore. No one is perfect. No one should be expected to be. 

Red Cups

Christians are upset that Starbucks didn’t put holiday decorations on their cups. 

I’m over here like: “I’m just happy they gave me a clean but festive canvas to doodle on.” 

Let’s calm down people. 


Am I really okay
Documenting my life

Through windows

Within four walls

Of plaster

Pretending that

I’m protected? 

Am I not made to weather 

The storms in the world? 

Is my own skin not

Enough protection? 

Is my mind so full

That it cannot go elsewhere

To learn something new? 

I pray it isn’t so. 

I hope that I can break 

The locks of my doors

And the locks of 

My own mind. 

The Spider in my Bathroom

I can’t say exactly when I noticed its sudden appearance, but it didn’t bother me much to know it was there. I do recall I first noticed it, and I left the cat to deal with it as she pleased, and since it had not been dealt with I assumed that meant the cat had no qualms with the creature. My cat is a very good judge of character, so I decided if she has no beef with the thing, I certainly don’t. So it’s been living there by the door in the cleft where the wall meets the floor, and has not really moved from there. 

Unlike most people, spiders don’t bother me. I actually find them very useful. The little thing has pretty much stayed in its same place. Never roamed about too far from its web, and it seems quite happy to stay there. When I sweep I steal clear of it to make sure it doesn’t get hurt, and every time I go to the bathroom at night, there it is. Greeting me.  
Recently I have had a problem with fruit flies. I considered moving the spider with a piece of paper to my kitchen to deal with the little buggers. I hate fruit flies. Their tiny little wings randomly buzzing in your ears. They have offspring too. I try to be better about tossing the soup cans in my recycle bag, but some nights I just rinse them and leave them on the counter. The next day? Freaking little white worms from those awful creatures. So naturally to consider moving the spider to the kitchen was a natural move for me. It would be able to feast, and I would be happily fruit fly free. As long as it doesn’t have babies too, which I have thus far sen no sign of and would like to keep it that way.

Needless to say I never did get to moving it. Not without seriously considering it mind you, but because I wondered how much I would miss seeing it. The kitchen, though small, is a very vast space for a spider. Tons of little secret places, and tons of things to accidentally get hurt with. Besides, if it wanted to move, it would have moved. It must be happy where it is. So I decided not to disturb it. 

I wonder how odd it must be for me to have such an outlook on spiders. How much more odd was it to have such a respect for this one in particular? It’s just a little thing. One of those daddy long leg looking ones that’s so small you might not see it if you weren’t looking for it. Whispy and pale, almost as white as the bathroom wall. I wonder if visitors notice it and just don’t say anything. Not that I have many visitors, but I often wonder if they do. How do I explain myself to them? “Oh yeah, it takes care of the fruit flies, just leave it.” That sounds practical enough, right? 

I worry one day one of my visitors will just kill the thing and not say anything. Then what? When will I notice? Will it take me a few days? Will I miss it at all? Considering I’ve recorded the creatures usefulness in this post, I suppose a bit of sentimentality goes into my odd and complex relationship with the spider. 

I think I would miss the little thing. It’s kinda like another roommate.