Sex Addiction

I had taken he statement lightly at first, but the more I thought about it the more it bugged me. Though it didn’t surprise me. This isn’t an uncommon comment from most of my male friends.

I think our culture likes to think that women who have very normal libidos are unusual. There’s this common misconception that women have very low to no libido, and/or don’t like sex. Which is far too blanket of a statement. There are plenty of women who like sex, and I’m certainly no exception despite my own issues with my chronic illness. I really enjoy sex, and I get disappointed at a culture that has and still predominately perpetuates the stereotype that women are anti-sex.

I see culture changing the narrative a little bit now. At least in media. Sitcoms are starting to lessen the eye-rolling coming from wives when husbands make less than satisfactory moves. However, there is still a considerable stigma against a women who enjoys sex recreationally or for intimacy instead of for procreation. Which I find really weird considering there is pleasure involved so it should be fun right?

American culture has a very limited and ignorant view of women and their sex lives. I think this comes predominately from the Puritanical roots of our western culture int his nation. There is a lot of stigma that European countries (our country of origin remember), doesn’t have in their modern societies, which I feel can only be explained by the conservative roots our nation was built on, and that continue to permeate the culture to this day through the misconception that our nation was a Christian nation and continues to be, even though our nation is a nation of religious freedom.

Thus far the closest thing to the reality of a sex life and how complicated it can feel for women is depicted in Lady Chatterly’s Lover by D. H. Lawrence, which I am currently reading and is a European book that lets go of the taboos of sex more freely and quickly because of the more humanist philosophies that influenced the culture. As much as it is an erotic statement and a first of erotic fiction, it speaks openly and honestly of the relationships between men and women, the toxicity of the lack of male to female communication in relationships, the damage toxic intimacy and codependency can cause, and it’s a very relatable female experience that I personally feel resonates well with my own past relationships and even in some respects my current one.

There is a remarkable lack of accurate information about females and sexuality all the same in modern American culture. Especially in media. To see an actual honest and complex relationship especially one involving a disabled person, was refreshing, albeit a bit shocking for something written just after the 2nd World War.

But I digress.

The female experience has been complicated even after the turn of the century, the sexual revolution, and especially in light of the introduction of technology to American culture. There’s this impression (that I myself and plenty of other women I know) have that heavily suggested that women are to be submissive and breed-able, but not act like they are, and that submission should be given to males even though there is this assumption that women generally don’t like sex, but that women won’t put out unless the male excels at coercion. Which sounds like a bunch of contradictions and pretty rapey.

Personally, it was and has been a struggle to find an accurate representation of women’s sexuality or even assistance with it. Even in the medical field.

I’m not speaking to gynecology. That focuses on the health of the sex organ and woman attached to it. I’m mostly speaking to assistance in the bedroom. Not that the content isn’t out there, but it’s not always accessible. Take OMGYES.com for example. It’s a resource for women to talk openly and honestly about sexuality, sex, and what works and doesn’t work in the bedroom for different illnesses and stages of life. Great right? Yes, but it’s a fairly expensive joining fee and it is only targeted towards women. Which doesn’t help a lot of men who are looking for answers on how women feel and what to do to assist in the bedroom for the comfort, satisfaction, safety, and intimacy of the women they engage with sexually (yes those men do exist).

Much of the content out there that can be helpful and that’s free is unreliable. Mostly focused on the individual speaking and their preferences, versus a medical or scientific approach that can speak to multiple experiences and give biological context. Often they’re just subliminal ads to promote a “sex counselor” or “sex coach” who may or may not actually have credentials in that field. Even podcasts can be free and helpful, but personally I find that most of them are rooted in kink culture and doesn’t speak well to “vanilla sex” couples who aren’t interested in kinks, but just need a little extra guidance on how to build a healthier and more satisfying sex life for themselves without putting on a production.

As you can probably hear in my tone, I’ve had some personal experience in the field of women’s sexuality being misunderstood prior to this text from my guy friend.

I was raised in Christian purity culture, and waited until I was married to have a sexual relationship. My partner was mostly inexperienced as well, so when we got married we knew a little from what we read from Christian books, but again, that was very generalized and in the context of a culture that was focused a lot on procreation, with some, but not much spoken to on the pleasure aspect, other than acknowledging it existed for both sexes, which we though was pretty progressive at the time, albeit not very useful.

As time went on my partner found not only did he have a lower libido than myself (which by no means do I feel my libido is overactive), but he struggled a lot with anxiety in the bedroom as I struggled with stress, which made any instructions I tried to offer lovingly to improve pleasure for either of us to be taken personally and add to the anxiety and stress between us. Needless to say, this affected the ability to perform on both our parts. Eventually my partner realized if he wanted to help improve things in our sex life he was going to have to do his own research, which is how we began to realize that there was a surprising lack of accurate information about females in the context of sex. Even less so for those who struggle with it because of chronic illness like I do with my Type 1 Diabetes.

Opening up our dialog as we navigated tips and tricks on the internet together helped, but it isn’t enough when there are other issues involved, such as fragile egos, mental health issues, resentment, and biological issues to navigate the issue as well. Not to mention the distasteful suggestion from one doctor my husband saw of “maybe try watching porn to help” which is also widely inaccurate and of no interest to him.

Ignorance and an unclear communication because of the taboos of sex and sexuality are a huge issue for couples struggling with these issues. Learning to communicate well with each other as well as learning what resources are or aren’t reliable are going to be struggles for couples for decades to come until we let go of the taboos and realize that there are a lot of people out there looking to realistic female representation and helpful content that isn’t going to break the bank. Until that time comes…we are just going to struggle with continued misunderstanding of women, sex, and sexuality. e