“See all those marks and dents on the table there?” “Yeah?” “That’s from him slaming his phone repetitively until it broke.” “What?” “I went on Amazon and bought the same style phone in bulk. He just kept destroying them. Few … Continue reading
“Whatcha thinking about?” “Nothing.” I watched as my husband stared at nothing in particular and wondered, but I didn’t pry further. Surely he wasn’t thinking of nothing. Or rather, surley he wasn’t capable of not thinking of anything. No one … Continue reading
“Are we having a meeting about how big Emily’s file sizes are?” “What?” “Emily sent a huge file through WeTransfer the other day. It’s too big. People don’t delete things off their computers and it takes up a lot of … Continue reading
I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time.
Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic.
I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it.
Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be.
All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever.
“The attachment isn’t here…” That was odd indeed. I threw my covers off and put a bra on. Pulling my tshirt over myself I wandered groggily to the kitchen and put on a Nantucket Blend K-Cup. How many days ago … Continue reading
“We got a lot done today.” She rolled her eyes and I made a questioning face at her. “He doesn’t think we did. He thinks we just wasted that last half hour doing nothing. He doesn’t believe in collaboration.” I … Continue reading
“I see you’ve been taking more blood sugars and remembering your insulin. You’re gaining weight again. I’m really please.” Shit. The one part of taking insulin…the weight gain. Which is a positive sign of insulin being used in the body, … Continue reading
Now that I have internet again, after a year and a half of just using the 3G on my phone, I’m going to attempt to get back into the daily blogging thing. Though to be honest, I really don’t have … Continue reading
“It didn’t go well.”
“What do you mean it didn’t go well?”
“She was pissed off at the state of the store.”
“What was wrong with it?”
“We had boxes of clearance that we were scanning out to send off to the clearance center in Milwaukee.”
“And she was upset about that?”
“Said it looked messy. So now this week we have two more corporate visits.”
I nearly walked out in that moment. Not only was it absurd that they were giving us corporate visits on one of the worst weekends to do so, but on the weekend our Regional Visual Manager and District Manager were on vacation, and only days after we were experiencing the trauma of our store manager abruptly leaving us. We had no leadership. We were understaffed because of a sudden outbreak of bronchitis. All of us were at our wits end. Considering we were running the store on a busy sale weekend with only three associates and a manager I thought we had done pretty well all things considered. The clearance product was all packed, scanned, and ready to ship by the end date. So there were a few boxes out on the floor? There was someone at the station working on them while they were there. Corporate had no reason to complain, but corporate always complains. They all do. They try to rule with an iron fist of fear, and never with actual empathetic leadership skills that FastCompany magazine always told me about.
That day, I had three managers for other stores come to visit and help out. I was called in every which direction. I felt like I had accomplished nothing, and yet, things were getting done. Were it not for that and the fact that I had only just bought my house and needed a stable job, I would have quit that day. Thankfully I had made no rash decisions. Thankfully I had gotten the help I needed in order to get a better handle on the issues I knew my store had, but didn’t have the staff hands, or staff that cared, to get done.
What pisses me off about the whole thing, is that most of the time when we want feedback or need help, we get ignored. Half the time our e-mails just don’t get answered. Half the time our store managers don’t actually get us answers, or pretend they did when they never asked. It isn’t until after they’ve suddenly gone and quit we suddenly get told all the lies we were lead to believe. Then we are thrown into a chaos so panicked that we end up making things worse.
At the same time, they do too. Corporate comes in with lists upon lists of issues. Things we simply cannot get done with so few hands. We are missing two managers. A store manager, and a Home Store manager. Our last Home Store Manager up and moved to California. Living the dream with her BF, and probably enjoying a Bloody Mary on the porch of her LA apartment hearing traffic beneath her feet and enjoying warmer weather than we could even comprehend in Wisconsin at this time of year.
Part of me is so envious of her.
So I didn’t quit. I’m still there. Discouraged that my applications get rejected and that there isn’t much out there to switch to. I’ve considered going completely design freelance. Still, with how much Papyrus love there is out there in this town, I’m not sure this town is ready for good design. Still, I’m so burned out on work. Black Friday is coming and I was hoping to be gone by now. I suppose I have no reason to complain. I suppose I’m just not in the places I wanted to be because I’m not meant to be. Or am I just not trying hard enough? Am I just not aiming high enough?
I’ll never be sure. All I know is what isn’t happening. It’s discouraging, especially during a week that has had its fill of discouragement.
This was just like trying to figure out the bridesmaid dresses. Staring at the screen for hours. Fickle. Evaluating. Trying to figure out what’s more practical. What’s more reasonable. What will work the best. That process had taken me several weeks. This shouldn’t be as hard as that. Wedding registries are about what the couple needs. What you and your spouse would like to replace. What you and your spouse could use.
We don’t need anything though.
All I can think about is how much this wedding is going to cost. Not just for myself and my fiancé (though that is a huge factor and quite a bit of money), but for others. I tried to keep dresses for my girls under 100 bucks. My fiancé tried to do the same for the guys. Suspenders and shirts with black pants and black dress shoes. He was buying them their ties. Now I was trying to keep my gift requests reasonable too, mainly because there wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without. Some nice table cloths, salad spoons, and maybe some new dishes, but everything I had was working for me. Table cloths I could get for myself and weren’t urgent. Not having salad spoons was not the end of the world. I could probably find nice ones at thrift stores for a dollar.
Why was this so hard?
I ended up exiting the site after browsing through it for nearly 3 hours. Hours of my life I would never get back. Staring at a screen. Trying to want something. There really wasn’t anything I needed. Nothing he needed. Practical things like gift cards to Menards or Lowes would be helpful. Gift cards for groceries. Those kinds of things might be useful. But even still, that really wasn’t the point. I just don’t want to ask anyone for anything if I don’t want or need it. It felt so obligatory. I was having buyers guilt on their behalf.
I called my fiancé.
“What do you think of forgoing the gift registry.”
I sighed. I could already tell he wasn’t game really.
“What if we put a charity or something that people can donate to instead of gifts. Or have a charity in lieu of gifts option and make a very small gift registry list?”
“That sounds good.”
I’m still struggling to come up with a good list for a gift registry. At least I have a charity selected. Samaritans Purse. Now I just hope people actually donate to it. I hope people realize my list is small because I don’t need or want anything.
I don’t even know that I want this wedding. It’s an awful lot of money for a big party. At least I can find a bit of hope in the fact that someone might benefit from my wedding…assuming people donate. Still…I can hope right?