“Are we having a meeting about how big Emily’s file sizes are?” “What?” “Emily sent a huge file through WeTransfer the other day. It’s too big. People don’t delete things off their computers and it takes up a lot of … Continue reading
I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time.
Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic.
I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it.
Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be.
All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever.
“It’s been so long.” She said on the phone, and hearing her voice only made me miss her more deeply than I even realized. I had been ignoring how much I missed everyone from school. It was painful to think … Continue reading
In a day I probably have a million blog post ideas. I’m not kidding. I think a lot. Probably more than I ought to and probably about things I shouldn’t think about. That’s what I do though. Think. Think and … Continue reading
Today I’m recovering. Recovering from the blessed union of my best friend to her husband. It was a very short dating relationship, and an even shorter engagement. A whirlwind love that could only happen as mysteriously as God intended it … Continue reading
Fill Drink Repeat Hours had gone by, and still the void in my soul was desperate for some kind of release. My mind wrapped around anything it could hold onto. Desperately seeking. Desperate to cling. While simultaneously desperate to let … Continue reading
The clock glared the passing hours angrily from my phone for far too long. I was desperate for sleep, but my mind was simply not turning off. After about an hour I decided to take a sleep aid. Got up. … Continue reading
Yesterday was a rough day emotionally, if you couldn’t tell by the previous post. Just that all too familiar feeling of dissatisfaction with the direction of my life, or rather lack of one.
I’m sleepless once again. Restless. It isn’t like a normal restless though. This feels deeper. It’s is like my soul is trying to make me feel something, but isn’t quite sure how. I don’t know weather or not I should … Continue reading
My last two days have been quite a rush of activity. Today, I woke up wishing I could sleep even longer and deeper. My nights have been restless. My heart has been stirring. Questions burrow into the depths of my brain, waking me from my dreamlike state. Every moment I felt myself drift off, I woke, thinking to myself that I must be dying to be so relaxed. I thwarted my own rest with fears. Doubts. Silent prayers. Details that don’t matter. So now I get ready for work. On little rest. With little time.