The look on his face told me that something was seriously not right, which is how even a minor crisis seems to be for him. “What’s up baby.” “My car won’t start.” I threw on my clothes and boots and … Continue reading
It doesn’t matter how many firsts we will be experiencing this year as husband and wife, Christmas really isn’t feeling very special this year. Then again, it really hasn’t felt very special since I was 13, and I began realizing … Continue reading
I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time.
Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic.
I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it.
Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be.
All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever.
Why can’t people just be happy for her? It was her third marriage. People kept reminding her and anyone else who would listen to their mouth flap. Yes, it was her third, not that the number counted toward or against … Continue reading
“Does that feeling ever go away? Do you ever actually start feeling like an adult at some point?” I had been hopeful of course. Hoping someday a switch would flip and I’d suddenly feel like things were less of a … Continue reading
I’ll read to you When you can no longer Open those pages and See those letters I’ll read them to you Over and over again Because you’ll ask me to As well as I will need you To hear them … Continue reading
“You did the right thing.” I told her as she wiped her tears away. I would have been crying too if a customer had tried pulling that same act on me. Screaming. Pounding the counter. Threats. Typical things that customers … Continue reading
A younger friend of mine started a new job. She’s been through several in the past few months, mainly because of mental health issues, and this morning we had a good long conversation about eg she shouldn’t call off today … Continue reading
Blah blah blah….Meaningless words crackled electronically Through the icy speaker Backed only by An even more icy voice Asking those questions That wouldn’t matter Hundreds of years from now Asking about numbers That didn’t exist in the past Nor would … Continue reading
All I wanted was An early morning story Which turned out to be A 2am novella Of emotions plastered To the popcorn ceiling A lot different than Waking up at 6am Next to the love of your life But sometimes … Continue reading