I Suck at Friendship

I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time. 

Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic. 

I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it. 

Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be. 

All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever. 


People Suck

Why can’t people just be happy for her? It was her third marriage. People kept reminding her and anyone else who would listen to their mouth flap. Yes, it was her third, not that the number counted toward or against … Continue reading

Sad News

“He committed suicide last night.”

My heart sank into my stomach. 

“Oh wow.” Was all I could muster. 

A coworker I worked close to had ended his own life. The last person in the world I would have thought to take his own life, was gone. Always smiling and joking around with everyone. Always something nice to say, or something wise to impart on people. Thoughtful and introspective as ever. Clear blue eyes and a heart of gold. 

A broken heart of gold apparently. 

I felt bad for the manager who called me. He had gone to my coworkers home to find him when he didn’t show up for work. It was his last day as one of our department managers. This was not the kind of way someone wants to end his time at a place of work. It’s not the way you want to leave a place. Then to have to call everyone to let them know what is going on at work….that must be a very heavy and painful responsibility. He didn’t go alone thankfully, but it was sobering to think of the two of them finding a man we found so endearing and kind in an absolute and final state of hopelessness.

It isn’t until after a person passes that you start to get a glimpse of their life. Especially while you’re in a professional environment. You kind of know them. You get glimpses of their life as time goes on, but you never really know the whole story. Had I known all I found out, I would have reached out more. He lived alone after his mother passed away two years ago. Very little family left in the world. He dealt with chronic pain, but never seemed to complain about a thing. Always did what he could for you when you asked. Always gave insightful feedback. Never seemed upset by anything, always very easy going. Joking and laughing like the rest of us. 

I just can’t believe he’s gone. Tomorrow I have to walk into work and hold it all together while knowing his absence. Feeling him not being there will be the worst. Knowing I won’t have that extra pair of helping hands and that kind personality to connect with will be difficult. That person with a listening ear and a good story to tell was going to never speak or listen again. 

Just wish I could have done something. I’m sure we all do. Nothing we can do now, but wish and love on each other.