The look on his face told me that something was seriously not right, which is how even a minor crisis seems to be for him. “What’s up baby.” “My car won’t start.” I threw on my clothes and boots and … Continue reading
https://embed.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius I keep forgetting this TEDtalk exists. I had seen it first when I was in college learning to cope with the high expectations of creativity: that you have this creative resivoir that never ran dry and always pumped out … Continue reading
I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time.
Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic.
I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it.
Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be.
All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever.
Yes, I’m a feminist. If saying that makes you want to unfollow or delete me that’s fine. That being said I found this post on Pinterest the other day and it made me very upset. I realize that I’m not … Continue reading
I woke up alone. I had found out when I reached out my hand, groggy and blind without my glasses, only to touch my body pillow. It was unlike my dream where he had been asleep beside me. Arms around … Continue reading
“Man, that sounds an awful lot like love. So, why haven’t you bought a ring and just asked her to marry you?” “I just…don’t want to be impractical. It’s unrealistic…” Oh the weight of the words he spoke. The kind … Continue reading
“I’m really struggling with understanding it isn’t wrong for me to desire romantic companionship, but also trying to remain content in my singleness. In my mind there is an gap. A disconnect.” It was one of the fist steps in … Continue reading
Our conversation this evening, had started over how he was having a hard time remembering that we were no longer a couple. Something that I had felt for the first 3 days or so, but now had finally come to terms with. We were no longer together. It was real. I had to keep moving forward.
“You know…if you need some time and don’t want to talk to me for a while until you get used to things I wont be offended. To be honest us talking as much as we have been so recently afterward really is a bit too soon for me personally.”
I felt like a total bitch saying it, but it was the truth. I’m not a person who usually stays friends with my exes. This is the first relationship I ended that didn’t end so painfully and tragically. I feel like we could get along as friends. Unfortunately he is transitioning to friends immediately. Leaving little to no time in between for closure or healing. He wants to get the friendship rolling while we still weren’t over each other. I can’t do it that way. I need to be ready or close to moving on to be talking to him. Maybe not that far into the future, but I need to be more okay with my decision to break things off before I can really have a healthy friendship with this man.
I can’t help but feel a little upset by the notion that he keeps forgetting that we are no longer together too. I feel like he is trying to cling to things. To claim me. I feel a little weirded out by the fact that he feel so incline to inform me that he keeps forgetting to forget me. Like he is trying too hard to stay on my radar or to keep himself in my life so I can’t move on. I’m being paranoid. He has potential to the tendency of manipulative, but this is a case where I cannot be manipulated. Besides, when I told him it was too soon, he said he was okay with it. He said if I needed him he was there, but never pressured me to reconsider not talking to each other for a while. He seems to get it, so I can only take his word for it.
In other news, my WordPress app on my iPad is giving me trouble. It will not load at all no matter how strong my internet connection, so it has been rendered useless. Makes this therapy thing a little more difficult and less convenient, because my laptop isn’t exactly the most fast piece of technology in the world either. It will have to do for now. It actually forces me to sit down at my desk and write, which I have not done in forever. It’s kind of nice….if it weren’t for how short my desk chair is in comparison to this desk, but alas, this is all I have. It is better than nothing.
Remind me how to breath again. I have quite forgotten Those innate muscular movements Reminding me to live. Or was it I who represses them? Trying so hard to release myself From this delicate frailty That I just gave it … Continue reading
I think it’s deceiving
How there are so many poems
About beautiful women
With tragic, messy, broken lives
And golden souls
Yet I know of no man
Who wants to be in love
With a mess that violent
And that fiercely beautiful