“Just rest.” He said tucking me in. Assuring me that I did not have to people anymore. Though my mind swirled with too much. Too much from the work day had happened. Too many different projects suddenly became fires. Too … Continue reading

Loving the Toxic and a Personal FailureĀ 

If only I could disappear. 
I happened to have vented near the wrong person yesterday. Nothing I thought was a big deal, but of course it was about a friend of mine and the facts were left out and things got tainted in the retelling. So word got back to her, and she was pretty upset. When I found out I called her immediately and let her yell her feelings at me for a while. She had a right to be angry. I had a moment of disapproval that I shot off to someone who had no right to know it. I told her I was sorry and she was right. I took responsibility for my actions. 

I spent a good long time afterward on the phone with my boyfriend. He listened, like a Saint. Assured me I did all I could. Reminded me I was not a bad person, I just slipped up for a moment and it got out of control. My mother told me the same when I called her. Told me I wasn’t an aweful human being, even though my heart told me I was worthless. I wounded a hurting person. In turn I wounded myself. 

I felt terrible…feel terrible. Of all the people to hurt in the world, I hurt the one who’s wounds run deepest. Who’s morals were shaky. Who’s mind was easily swayed by the emotions of how something is presented, and not the actual words of what is said. In turn she decided to tell me everything that’s wrong with me. How I’m “cocky” (confident) and how I’m “judgmental” (ironic how one has to be judging in order to say someone is judging them). I told her that I’d consider those views thoughtfully. Perhaps she was right? Perhaps she was just too hurt to think and evaluate clearly. All I knew was she had thought those things of me, and probably talked to people about me behind my back. All the accusations she has made to me, I knew she herself had committed. I said nothing though. What would saying something have done to help? What would it justify? It wouldn’t. I remained silent. I silently forgave her. 

Part of me feels the trust is too far gone from our friendship for her criticisms to bother me too much. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever trusted her. She fears depth. She is gossipy. Her lifestyle is different than mine. She isn’t going to understand how I live. I know I don’t understand how she does. I don’t have her struggles and I don’t have her desires and emotions. I can’t know her fully. So yes, I disapprove of her lifestyle out of a combination of ignorance and having watched her choices destroy herself. If that bothers her, only she can choose if she wants me to stay in her life. In turn only I can choose to have her stay in mine. I care very much for her, but perhaps she will always choose what is toxic over what is right. In turn I have to decide what place that puts me in, and if I can live with her making those choices. 
Can I love someone who is toxic nearby? Or do I choose to love her from a distance? 

I still feel very badly about it. It’s unresolved and broken. Part of my faith in God leads me to believe that I am responsible to Him for how I made her feel. I’ve asked to be forgiven. I’ve asked for her heart to be healed. I’ve asked for mine to be healed, because heaven knows that I struggle to forgive myself for things. I failed, but I cannot sit and dwell on my failure. I’m trying to move forward. 
Pray for me. 

The Problem with People

The image was of several young children, obviously African, with their ribs showing their plight of hunger. The caption was “How can people see this image, and believe that God is good?” A gentleman put it very eloquently explaining that because humans were created with free will and chose the knowledge of good an evil, we choose to ignore the hungry population for the desires of our own. “The world has the resources, we choose not to share them.”

That summed it up. Weather or not you believe in God, poverty is a human problem. Humans decided to create money. Humans decided to take ownership of food and make it corporate. Humans decided to create hierarchies and social status to organize their own thoughts and lives, and even to excommunicate each other. We exploited and capitalized on every ounce of anything we could get our hands on, and for what?

A bunch of pieces of paper that we put value on.

God gave us a world with all we needed to survive. We were the ones who ruined it. Poisoned it. Raped it. By no means do I consider myself an environmentalist. I don’t recycle much. I burn my garbage or send it to the landfill. I give when I can to charities that help create sustainable change for those who are impoverished and I donate my clothes to places like Salvation Army and other second hand stores that focus on the needs of others. But the worst part are those who focus so much on hunger far away they don’t even realize that hunger is right here. Drugs are right here. Homelessness is right here. Sex trafficking is right here too. I don’t doubt some of my friends long since gone and still here have been and continue to be part of one if not all of these issues. They directly touch my life through their struggles.

I suppose what I am saying is that much of what is wrong with the world is a problem of people, but so is the solution.

God Given Metal Heart

When I was in high school, I was not really an outcast, but a kind of loner. That kid who was smart, unique, nobody loved or hated me. I wore too many earrings in the same hole until I could … Continue reading