I’m just doing my job

“Are we having a meeting about how big Emily’s file sizes are?”  “What?”  “Emily sent a huge file through WeTransfer the other day. It’s too big. People don’t delete things off their computers and it takes up a lot of … Continue reading

Great Creative Expectations

https://embed.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius I keep forgetting this TEDtalk exists. I had seen it first when I was in college learning to cope with the high expectations of creativity: that you have this creative resivoir that never ran dry and always pumped out … Continue reading

I Suck at Friendship

I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time. 

Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic. 

I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it. 

Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be. 

All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever. 

People Suck

Why can’t people just be happy for her? It was her third marriage. People kept reminding her and anyone else who would listen to their mouth flap. Yes, it was her third, not that the number counted toward or against … Continue reading

Photos

The biggest talent I feel a photographer must have, is being at the right place at the right moment when life is happening. Which is a hard talent to master, and definitely requires you to be out, about, and prospecting critically what life moments one is meant to capture. Things I have not been able to do for a long time. 

As I’m sitting here waiting for my camera battery to charge I’m trying to recall the last time I actually picked up my own camera and took photos for my own use. It was nearly two years ago. I took pictures of Door County Wisconsin. My mom and I drove up there for the fall colors. It was the day I put my first cat Oliver down. 

I hadn’t picked up a camera since. Though I had plenty of opportunity and reason to. Now here I am, waiting for a battery to charge and a moment to capture. 

I’m hanging out with the young adult ministry today. We meet on Mondays at 7pm at our church and hang out reading through the book of John. It’s been a really inspiring time and I’ve had lots of fun with them. They’re less subdued than other Christian groups I’ve been in. We swear. We talk openly and vulnerably. We are human and know it. Aware of the changing dynamic of our church, faith, and understanding. 

Since they’re becoming a greater part of my life and my attitude towards church and faith is changing, I’m finding that I want to capture moments with these people. I want to be involved in their lives. I want to do things with them. I want to take pictures of them doing life with me. It’s been too long since I’ve been with people whom I actually wanted to capture moments with since I moved back from Illinois and left my college friends behind.  It’s been even longer since I used my Nikon to do it. 

A Comment I Didn’t Post…

A girl I know posted a question on Facebook asking people what they got bullied for in school. There was an overwhelming response to the question, which not only spoke volumes to the cruelty of humanity, but also opened a … Continue reading

Letter I’ll Never Send: Dear Former Friend

Dear former friend,  I know it’s been three years. I’ve seen your occasional friend requests and yes, I have been ignoring them. Not because I hate you. On the contrary, it’s been very difficult for me to not let you … Continue reading

The Changing Scene of Photo Boxes

I remember that rubbermade box. It’s in my parents basement as we speak. Full of loose photographs of my childhood. Naked baby pictures that no non-family eyes have seen. Photos of those beautiful and embarrassing child moments that bring tears … Continue reading