One Year Anniversary I

Went out for sushi again. We love that freaking restaurant so much.

Last night my husband took me out for sushi and udon to kick off our anniversary weekend. The food was so pretty.

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Speaking of Sad Things…

I recall once having a conversation with my Philosophy professor in college. He asked me once how I was, and I responded honestly that I wasn’t doing so well. That I felt depressed. At first a look of concern came over his face and instead of responding with encouragement or an attempt to make me feel better he looked me straight in the face and said “If you feel sorrow, allow yourself to feel it. There is a reason. Always.” So we sat and talked about sadness, and ironically I felt better.

I went to a Christian college. My philosophy professor was one of the few people I could relate to. I had at first thought it was because I had made the mistake of telling him I was a descendant of John Locke, but after some time I realized it was because we were kindred spirits. He and I were deep thinkers and seekers, who never stopped thinking and seeking. We were question askers. Poets. Writer and readers. We were souls trying to escape dying bodies, but would settle for the simple joy of blowing bubbles on street corners in Chicago for hours and sitting silently together in the woods, wishing we were lost.

His words touched my heart deeply and caused me to recall the Bible verse that brought me back to faith in high school. “The Lord is with the broken hearted, and those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. I was allowed my sorrow. I was allowed to be sad about the things that hurt me. God was with me in those moments, perhaps with sorrows of His own. I was not alone in my depression. I was created with emotions and an understanding of good and evil. There is much evil, and there are even evils in the good that humanity does. Selfish evils and two sides to everything. There are flaws in nature.

I have been thinking of sorrow a great deal. I have been thinking about how we can understand why things cause us pain, but mostly, I wonder why people put such a high value on happiness? I often see sorrow as a kind of gift. A means to release stress and to find authentic passion about things. To find out that something mattered….or perhaps that something didn’t matter. How would we know happiness without sorrow? How would we know sorrow without happiness? Were they not equals, both valuable for their reasons? Both having their times to be felt?

I often wonder if our sorrow is our hearts breaking for the things that break Gods heart. A glimpse into the evil that exists in the world.

I used to be ashamed of being depressed. Now I think I understand it better, and I’m not ashamed that life is difficult and the world is in a sad state of affairs. It’s not like I’m never happy, I just have a deeper sensation when I feel sadness. I don’t necessarily feel hopeless. I understand the situation seems hopeless, but my hope is farther than this life. My hope is in eternity. My sadness will not be forever. I see an end, just not here and now. I am content in that. I’m not afraid to be emotional, because as a human being I am allowed.

A Weird Conversation: ‘Merica!

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I hadn’t seen her since she got back from vacation. My brain was racing as she recounted the story to me. What would I have done? What could one do?

“So what did you do?”

“I ran towards her and it veered off, and thankfully it didn’t fly off with her.”

“What would you have done if it did fly off with her?”

“It’s a Bald Eagle, there wouldn’t be anything I could do. I can’t harm it…can I?”

This baffled me. She was on vacation, and her daughter of 6 months old, was moving from her to her grandmother. A bald eagle let out a cry in the direction of another, the one who swooped down towards the baby. She saw it, and she was able to move quickly enough before it got to her daughter, scaring it away. She admitted, if that other bird hadn’t let out a call, she wouldn’t have thought to look, and it might have been too late.

You would only hope that if you got arrested that the jury would see you innocent. Or was it a large fine for killing an Eagle under such circumstances? Were there laws protecting you from this? Probably. I would hope. How strange of a situation for the Fourth of July huh? How strange for a parent to have to encounter! How oddly desperate for an eagle to behave, but then again, I have heard of hawks trying to take small pets from their owners arms.

Were it me and a baby….I’d just kill it. Just saying.