It’s resurrection Sunday. The most joyous Sunday in Christian holy days. The day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, but not just that, we celebrate the metaphors of dying to self and resurrecting as a child … Continue reading
I sent my fiancé a message this morning. A message that was extremely heartfelt, and I cannot contain my joy and my overwhelming realization on how close the wedding day is. It read: “Good morning my love. I prayed for … Continue reading
I’m the kind of significant other, who sends links to drop hints. Not like, links to gift ideas, or links to vacation spots or anything like that…but I do often send links to my fiancé about important things. I go … Continue reading
The decision to read the book of Nehemiah was a totally random one. I had sat down with my Bible app open for a good long time trying to figure out where to start. I had to get back into … Continue reading
” I’ll leave you a bunch of yard stuff in the garage. Since I know you’re coming from an apartment, you won’t have a mower or gas cans or anything right?” “No I dont.” “I’ll leave that stuff. Is there … Continue reading
“What would you recommend as a woman’s Bible Study activity?” “Bring in a guy who can teach us how to do our own oil changes.” “I’m asking seriously.” “I’m telling you seriously.” She was in complete disbelief. So I kept … Continue reading
So many of us Have parent wounds We suffer those in life Far too many times But it is amazing To know Our Father and God Allowed Himself To be wounded To heal the wounds Of our very souls It’s … Continue reading
If only I could disappear.
I happened to have vented near the wrong person yesterday. Nothing I thought was a big deal, but of course it was about a friend of mine and the facts were left out and things got tainted in the retelling. So word got back to her, and she was pretty upset. When I found out I called her immediately and let her yell her feelings at me for a while. She had a right to be angry. I had a moment of disapproval that I shot off to someone who had no right to know it. I told her I was sorry and she was right. I took responsibility for my actions.
I spent a good long time afterward on the phone with my boyfriend. He listened, like a Saint. Assured me I did all I could. Reminded me I was not a bad person, I just slipped up for a moment and it got out of control. My mother told me the same when I called her. Told me I wasn’t an aweful human being, even though my heart told me I was worthless. I wounded a hurting person. In turn I wounded myself.
I felt terrible…feel terrible. Of all the people to hurt in the world, I hurt the one who’s wounds run deepest. Who’s morals were shaky. Who’s mind was easily swayed by the emotions of how something is presented, and not the actual words of what is said. In turn she decided to tell me everything that’s wrong with me. How I’m “cocky” (confident) and how I’m “judgmental” (ironic how one has to be judging in order to say someone is judging them). I told her that I’d consider those views thoughtfully. Perhaps she was right? Perhaps she was just too hurt to think and evaluate clearly. All I knew was she had thought those things of me, and probably talked to people about me behind my back. All the accusations she has made to me, I knew she herself had committed. I said nothing though. What would saying something have done to help? What would it justify? It wouldn’t. I remained silent. I silently forgave her.
Part of me feels the trust is too far gone from our friendship for her criticisms to bother me too much. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever trusted her. She fears depth. She is gossipy. Her lifestyle is different than mine. She isn’t going to understand how I live. I know I don’t understand how she does. I don’t have her struggles and I don’t have her desires and emotions. I can’t know her fully. So yes, I disapprove of her lifestyle out of a combination of ignorance and having watched her choices destroy herself. If that bothers her, only she can choose if she wants me to stay in her life. In turn only I can choose to have her stay in mine. I care very much for her, but perhaps she will always choose what is toxic over what is right. In turn I have to decide what place that puts me in, and if I can live with her making those choices.
Can I love someone who is toxic nearby? Or do I choose to love her from a distance?
I still feel very badly about it. It’s unresolved and broken. Part of my faith in God leads me to believe that I am responsible to Him for how I made her feel. I’ve asked to be forgiven. I’ve asked for her heart to be healed. I’ve asked for mine to be healed, because heaven knows that I struggle to forgive myself for things. I failed, but I cannot sit and dwell on my failure. I’m trying to move forward.
Pray for me.
“…and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” -1Corinthians … Continue reading
Lately, I have been dealing with a bit of anger against God. Not that I would ever stop believing in Him, or accuse Him of being an unjust God, but he kind of anger that causes you to wonder what … Continue reading