An emotionally driven question…

What are my emotions worth if all they are,

is the result of my imperfect perception

possibly misinterpreting what I have heard?

We are clearly emotional beings,

because everyone has feelings.

Yet, I find myself grappling with this question,

because I find that so much in my life depends

on my emotions.

How can it be though?

When nearly all my emotions are through a lens of

imperfection, misinterpretation, and misinformation,

how is it that emotions

end up being the deciding factor for most things?

What good are they when they are more likely to be

misdirected, misunderstood, and misguided?



He was not alone

Rejoined said with struggle

Home again he wanders

Blue and crimson in his bloodshot eyes

Buried in his own skin

Like the bullets his heart

Was so fond of catching

And holding fast too long

Those mists of the deep

Would not drag him to a grave

He would willingly march there

Were he breathless and without flag flying

Diligent and unwavering

Shut away from himself

Gone now to a place he could never seem

To bring himself back from

Raised to be the Husband

The look on his face told me that something was seriously not right, which is how even a minor crisis seems to be for him. “What’s up baby.” “My car won’t start.” I threw on my clothes and boots and … Continue reading


The Day After Christmas

It’s the day after Christmas, and all through the house…it’s just me a the kitties laying about.

My husband had to be back to work today, but I still get the day off. Which means I have a whole day to myself, and I’m super excited about it. It’s not often I get so much alone time.

What do I plan on doing? Working in the of course. When I got up to move my car out of the driveway so my husband could get out and go to work it was -9* outside. So after I kissed him goodbye I hurried inside and plan to stay indoors. I’ve already cut up some kiwi and strawberries and started them in the dehydrator for 20 hours.

I rested in bed to warm up a bit more after being outside to juggle cars, and while I did that I listened to a Sermon on the last half book of Ruth called “An Immigrant’s Courage” from a Podcast series my brother had recommended to me. I found it very encouraging and it really helped to change my attitude and perspective on the Holiday season, not because it was the Christmas story, but because it was reflective of the Grace offered to humanity through Jesus Christ and shows the unusual ways in which God chooses to redeem people. All of which is precursors to the events of the Nativity. I really just recommending listening to it yourself and letting it bless you if you have the time or a commute in which to listen.

In a little while I plan on doing as much house work as I can. Dishes need doing from the festivities yesterday. Some laundry could stand to be done. I got a new vacuum for Christmas and really could stand to do a little to get rid of the cat fur and dust in the living room if not to clean up the small bits of wrapping paper left in my carpet. Dinner needs making and I plan on using my new Slow Cooker I got for Christmas for that (my last one broke and I’ve been missing having one) so eventually I can either relax and read or get some at home hours for work by working on some thank you card designs our company owner requested I letterpress print for him.

In all I just wanted a day to relax from everything. To detox from the busy that was yesterday and really just invest some time into spending time getting to know myself a little bit. To think about the past year and who I’ve become since then and who I’m being lead to be in Christ, which is always a difficult question because I’m so aware of how much I want to fight what God wants in selfish pursuit of what I want. So today is my solstice reflection of days going from darkest to light again and progressing towards a New Year and renewed self.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and have a very prosperous New Year.


Another Christmas Eve

It doesn’t matter how many firsts we will be experiencing this year as husband and wife, Christmas really isn’t feeling very special this year. Then again, it really hasn’t felt very special since I was 13, and I began realizing … Continue reading


Life stuff and feelings and whatever…

There was once a time when I was able to write like it was no tomorrow. Words would just flow out of me and I just invested so much time in short stories and personal narratives about my life, that … Continue reading


I’m just doing my job

“Are we having a meeting about how big Emily’s file sizes are?”  “What?”  “Emily sent a huge file through WeTransfer the other day. It’s too big. People don’t delete things off their computers and it takes up a lot of … Continue reading


Great Creative Expectations I keep forgetting this TEDtalk exists. I had seen it first when I was in college learning to cope with the high expectations of creativity: that you have this creative resivoir that never ran dry and always pumped out … Continue reading


I Suck at Friendship

I saw that she had tried to call me, about 15 min after we were supposed to speak. I had planned and reschedule on her already for our phone call, but once again, my brain failed me. Not that I had forgotten this time, but I had laid down for a nap with every intention of calling her on time, then proceeded to sleep through the alarm, then proceeded to wake up thinking I had woken up in time, then proceeded to fall back to sleep. I had felt terribly about it upon realizing that I had missed her call. So much so that I texted her back and tried to make up the lost time. 

Before I was married, I hardly forgot or missed a date. Now, it’s like I can’t set a date to save my life. I forget about it or I double book it or I just can’t seem to get myself together enough to make it on time. The worst part of it all, is that if I fuck up my own social life, I fuck up my husband’s. He knows so few people, and I’m the only one who contacts anyone to hang out because of it. His social life is entirely dependent on me. The introvert of the two of us. Ironic. 

I feel like I’m unintentionally pushing people away. I want to see them. I want to spend time with them. I care and love them very much. I just am so sucky at keeping plans since I got married. What’s worse is that I promised I wouldn’t do this to people. I promised that my marriage wouldn’t make me fall off the face of the earth, because it had hurt my feelings so much to have my friends do it to me. Yet, I’m so tired being at the beck and call of my workplace and then having to come home and be at the beck and call of my husband. There really is no such thing as introverting and down time anymore. I can’t have days where all I do is nap without interruption. I can’t have the silence, or the daydreaming I used to, or at least, not the same quality of it. It’s like my brain can never refresh fully because the presence of another human being is there, forever. It’s weird. I don’t like it. 

Part of me hopes this is temporary. Another part of me knows it isn’t. My husband is having a difficult time making friends of his own in the area. So he relies on me to make them for him. So here I am juggling the social life of an extrovert. Tired. Exhausted even. Neglecting my friends who are single for the couples I had so long also been neglected by until I was no longer single. I feel like I’ve only been married for a few months and the only respite I got out of it was a buissness meeting to IL(which was super fun and I really ought to write a blog post about it, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it), which doesn’t sound relaxing at all, but was a nice step outside of my husband’s life for an overnight, and a refreshing step back into my own world. A very clear step of only having to worry about myself again. The way it used to be. 

All that sounds super selfish. I’ll admit it probably is. Which makes me feel like a shitty person. I don’t feel like I should play mother like this. I don’t feel like I should be responsible for my husband’s play dates. I’m hardly good at being responsible for my own. To be honest I really haven’t had my own play date in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to have my own separate friends again, the ones who aren’t another couple. Individuals I can keep in touch with and have all my own. Knowing myself though, I’d probably forget those dinner dates and such as well. Maybe I’m just destined to be a shitty friend forever. 


Deadlines, Assembly lines, and Waistlines 

Since starting my full-time job as a graphic designer, I’ve found myself relying on reading energy. The energy of people, the energy of a room, the energy of collaboration. Trying to gauge how much energy people are investing into projects. … Continue reading