Some of you may recall that I chose to get medicated for my depression a few months ago, and this is the not really obligatory but close to it, blog post describing my life thus far since making this life change.
It’s been hard, but still the best decision I have made for my own life.
It’s been hard mainly because there have been some unexpected snags. Side effect that the list they handed me when I was first prescribed the medication did not have on it. Ones I’m sure even doctors cannot predict.
The first change and trial I had with becoming medicated, was that I had to, and still am, learn who I am now. That seems really silly to say, and I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I find now more than ever I’m beginning to realize who I am and what was the depression talking. I find I am not as anxious as I was about most things in life. I’m finding that I really enjoy a lot of things in my life more than I once did, and I find that even though I can become tired out, I have more energy than I have had in a long while.
With these things can come a few interesting problems.
Discovering I like myself means I have discovered that I do have value, and with it comes a crisis of faith. As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I am struggling with my faith a little. I started to realize how so many people in my life I had once thought were spiritual leaders had a habit of being spiritually abusive towards me. While I recognize that this is not God’s fault, it is very difficult to trust much when you realize how much the Bible was taken out of context to control you. It has also made me very aware of how everyone is a little wrong, including myself, and makes me rethink a lot of what I have been taught as well as my perspective on it. God and I are in a state of healing our relationship from this, though I fear the journey will be long and full of many mistakes on my part. Still my trust in the Christian Church has made trust in God very difficult and getting back to speaking terms with God is something I have already struggled with for a long time.
Another issue that had been unforeseen, was my spending. As I have mentioned in past posts, I struggle with retail therapy. When I was depressed I shopped. Unfortunately I struggle with the same issue, but for the opposite reason. I like myself. I deserve nice things. So I shop. Something my husband and I are actively trying to curb, with small successes, but it is still hard when I am so good at wanting and feeling like the want is a need.
The last, and probably the weirdest result of learning to like myself, is how other people respond to it. Though, I understand very few people are not self critical. Most people have plenty they do not like about themselves and therefore find that they have a great deal of self loathing. I didn’t realize how much self loathing I had until it started waning away. Now that I like myself, I realize how full of myself I must seem. Even one of my coworkers has responded very badly towards me liking myself, and misinterpreted it as “making everything about me,” as he said only just aggressively towards me this morning (which I reported to HR because I love myself now and I don’t deserve to have my coworker talk to me like that). Yes, I talk about myself more now, because I like what I’m up to. I’m enjoying my friends and my life. I’m losing negativity and finding interesting and positive people to surround myself with and do life with. But of course, when someone talks about themselves a lot, it comes across as being full of yourself, when in actuality, I find that talking about me and my life, keeps me from talking shit about other people who are already full of their own negativity towards themselves and are just trying to figure out life like I am.
I’m allowed to be into myself. I’m allowed to love myself. I’m still learning what that looks like in a healthy way, because clearly shopping will only give me more stuff, and it’s just stuff and nothing more, but the fact of the matter is I’m putting efforts to learn it and heal from my wound. I have self worth now. I realize I am an asset. I am worthy. Of what? That’s still being figured out, but I know it is more than what was once the status quo.
Overall I find the benefits to my life out weigh the struggles. Some changes I’ve made in my life as a result of liking myself and having less anxiety are:
1) I got dread locks. I just always freaking wanted them and I bought myself some extensions and braided them in myself. I love them.
2) I’ve been doing more personal journaling which means keeping more of my life to myself than putting it out here in public. Which is probably healthier for me.
3) I’ve been pleasure reading more again.
4) I HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE. I joined a book club and hang with friends just about once a week instead of once a month like in the past.
5) I’ve been investing more of my efforts into my small business which has reaped some if not many benefits to my income.
6) I feel more productive at work. I’m making fewer mistakes than in the past.
7) I’ve added meditation a couple times a week to my schedule. I like how relaxing it is. I also realize I sucked at breathing and am better at it now.
8) I’m exercising again.
9) I’m getting my health back on track.
All of these things are worth investing my time in. I enjoy them. I enjoy myself. Life feels like it has a little more meaning and mystery again.