Letter I’ll Never Send: Dear Former Friend

Dear former friend, 
I know it’s been three years. I’ve seen your occasional friend requests and yes, I have been ignoring them. Not because I hate you. On the contrary, it’s been very difficult for me to not let you back into my life. But, for both our safety, I’ve had to decide to remove myself from yours.

You may be confused by that. I guarantee that confusion is not half of what I feel as to how you treated me towards the end of our friendship. The subtle abuses. The blatant ones. The name calling and the womanizing, acting as though you owned me and my time. 
Then the sudden and confusing turnaround happened. How you tried to push me away. How you tried to turn my friends against me. How many of them told me about the things you said about me behind my back and the lies you spread. How many of them defended and tried to protect me from you. They knew better, thankfully, but just because so many others tried to save me from your abuses doesn’t make up for the fact that you were abusing. 

 That hurt me so much. We had been so close. Even inseparable. 
That hurt and broke me. That made me feel awful. That alone had damaged my view of just about every male relationship I have had. I’m still trying to overcome that. I don’t know that I will, but I’m fighting it with every ounce of my being. 

 
I decided it was finally time after I got a talking to from several friends about your behavior. I started avoiding you. Our friends caught on and started making accommodations. That was hard for me too. The inconvenience that your behavior caused our friends. I appreciated their kindness. I loved them for their protection, but it was at the great and dear cost of comfort for us all. I still bleed from the loss of you. I felt your absence and your presence all at once, and I was in so much conflict about it. I couldn’t decide which was worse. 
I had to decide that I was angry at you for how you treated me…and worse…I had to decide I didn’t trust you anymore. 
In turn, I feel like I began to distrust people who even hinted at behaviors similar to yours. You would think a romantic relationship would do that to a person. I thought so. Turns out losing friendships is even harder than losing lovers. I’ve learned that from us, and it’s been beyond humbling. 

Graduation helped start a new ball rolling. You were far away by then. I was free of you. I wasn’t afraid of running into you, or the conflict by that time if I did. I knew what to expect. More recently friends have told me they see healthy changes in you. I’m glad for that. Very glad. I don’t know the state of your heart. I can only guess that my absence has made an impact in your life, but I admit, I think it’s continuation is probably for the best. 

In a way I’m protecting you from myself too. Forgiveness is a constant verb. There are days I would slip up and want to throw the pain you caused me in your face. I’m no stranger to knowing caring for people sometimes hurts. You were a new and particular level of pain I could not and cannot handle. I don’t want to lash out at you. I don’t want to bring my anger against you. I don’t want to have moments of emotional panic and harm you the way you harmed me. I just don’t want anyone to hurt anymore is all. If any of that even makes sense. 
I just want you to know I forgive you. I am forgiving you constantly. I am no less hurt. I am no less confused as to what I did to make you turn the way you did on me. I still do not trust you. But I’m forgiving you because to hold onto how much you hurt me is too much. I’m not expecting to never be hurt by my memories of you, but I am choosing to love you still even though it hurts. I’m also choosing to love you from a safe and anonymous distance. I can’t promise you that someday we can heal and reconcile, but I still wish you the best wherever you are. 

With my most sincere regards, 

Me

Advertisements

Breakthroughs, Entitlement, and Patron Saints of Lost Things

“I think I need to love myself and let God love me before I’m in a relationship.” She said as we began our 45 minute drive.

” I agree. I totally agree.”

Finally. After almost 2 years of friendship she was starting to get what I had started saying to her from the beginning. It wasn’t often we had breakthroughs, and much of the time I wondered if they were breakthroughs or if she was just saying what she thought I wanted her to say. She had been abused as a child. Her tendency to people please at the expense of what she truly felt was more likely. I would take it.  At least I knew she had heard me out. Once at least.  Read more

Something I wrote when I was kind of drunk…

“I slept with this slut the other night…”

He calls them sluts. The girls he sleeps with are sluts. But what does that make him then since the term “girls” is plural. Just a man? An ordinary one? If that’s what ordinary men seem like I want nothing to do with that. Seriously, you have no problem looking for naked pictures, but the moment any girl takes her clothes off…she is just a slut to you? Read more

Careful What You Comment

20140703-225026-82226408.jpg

Dear jsmith,

I appreciate your honesty, even if it had little to no relevance to the post you attached your comment to, or even the slightest hint of knowledge beyond terms that cause me to suspect your comment was generically made.

Might I first say, I suspect you are not a real person, but instead a makeshift chatbot that some lazy troll from the underworld of the internet decided to make to inflict hate upon anyone who used certain key terms as a tag. Probably one that is supposed to make comments about how bad the site design is, and convince the user to upgrade. If this is not true, why not take ownership? Don’t be a coward. Proudly display your thoughts with a real username, and have an actual blog to prove you have the testicular fortitude to take what you dish out.

It is apparent to me, that you lack adequate skills to comment on blog posts. I hope in the rest of this letter, to help you make slight corrections to your user profile, as well as your comment thesis. The following paragraphs are a few minor corrections to help improve your commenting skills in the context of this comment.

Firstly, Very few call blogs “websites.” It has almost become an obsolete term. Most people call them “sites” now or even “posts” or “blogs” and in some cases “articles.” This quick lingo makes communicating well in soundbites, much more manageable. I am sorry you are an internet troll of the ancient sort, bitter about the internets lack of the terms “fuckwit” and “website” since your reign ended.

Your double use variation of the term “fuck” is a little redundant, and could make your comment hold less credibility. It also makes you seem as though you have a small vocabulary, and that you lack intelligence. Find more descriptive words.

Also, since you asked, the owner of the “website” is WordPress.com. I only inform you p, because I did not pay anything for this domain. If I had paid for this domain you would be able to figure out who owns this blog by reading the about section, reading a majority of the posts, or even looking at the username. Just thought I might point these out, since you seem to be struggling with that a little bit.

Also, to be blunt, your use of punctuation is atrocious. If you’re going to make a ghost account to troll with, at least use correct punctuation and objective grammar. Your work is your voice. Use it with dignity.

Might I introduce you also to the concept of the period? It’s. That. Thing. At. The. End. Of. Sentences. That. Has. Much. More. Finality. Than. The. Comma. Unless you do not value breathing or complete thoughts. Let me know if I need to explain what a complete thought is. I’d be more than happy to help you with that.

Also: user name jsmith? How original….and slightly historical. Almost as poetic and unique as Jon Doe. I’m curious, what does the “j” stand for? Jezebel? Jon? How dare your readers have to live in suspense wondering what that letter even means! Is it John or Jon? Is it Jo or Joe? They ought to know who it is they follow. It makes you more approachable as a user, and welcomes a following much more intimately. You want to be relatable, you’ll reach the largest amount of potential followers that way. We don’t want your adoring followers to be sleepless all night because of your shenanigans, wondering if you’re one of those cats who play with the internet while their owner is asleep, because “On the internet, they don’t know you’re a cat.”

I, on the other hand, will sleep soundly from laughing so hard at your mediocre work.

I don’t know who hurt you that made you not only a lazy troll, but I encourage you to take pride in your work. Own it. Be bold and offer your opinion, relevant or otherwise. Maybe I can contact your parents, so they can finally tell you they love you and are proud of your cutting words. The internet is full of people who probably shouldn’t speak….ever. So why shouldn’t your shrill cry of displeasure not carry volumes above all the other moans? Why not put up a real photo of yourself, use quality terminology, and credible citations with reasonable explanation to support your thesis.

Until these edits are made to your comment, I simply cannot accept and approve of your thesis. Your comment shall remain carefully and thoughtfully stored in my trash shaped “comments to be revised” folder, until further notice. I will also be sure to contact WordPress about this, and flag it, so the site Admins can further help you with any future issues with your comments.

Hope this was helpful. My Regards.