I had probably cried about the short story for almost an hour. My hormonal ass was all over that heart string pulling shit. I knew I was PMSing hard. There was no stopping it. At work I had been depressed as ever and struggling to stay on top of my projects. At home I was a weepy mess over everything from how cute the cat was to the short story I had just finished reading. It had a dog it in. Of course I cried.

I wasn’t looking forward to my doctor appointment the next day with how weepy I felt. I knew I was going to get yelled at. I was always getting yelled at. Nothing new. Just didn’t know how to take care of myself. The bad habits started and I didn’t know how to stop them. So now I have no idea how to proceed. I don’t even know what taking care of my health looks like, especially when struggling with money and depression. How do people do it? Do they even do it? What does “controlled diabetes” even look like? Fuck if I know. I recall at one point in my past I had an A1C I thought was good, but got scolded for how dangerously low it was. Now I can’t seem to get it below 11. Much less the ideal 7 or lower.

I’m trying Herbalife meal replacement shakes to see if they help me. It’ll be easier to to manage cab control when It’s the same for 2 meals every day. I know I’ll need to start exercising. Struggling to find an exercise I’ll actually enjoy, plus with depression the motivation to start is going to be the hardest part. Just start. Just walk. Just run. It’ll help. I know it will, but just thinking about it is overwhelming.

Everything feels overwhelming these days. I hardly feel functional. Mostly I’m just floating. Existing. Not really doing much else. My creativity for work requires energy I don’t have. I already know people at work aren’t a huge fan of me. My boss hardly speaks to me, but gives a lot of attention to my coworker because her mom help him build the company and still works there. I’m ignored more often than not.

I’m always ignored.

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