I know I know, I don’t write enough. I feel like that’s my biggest problem. Since switching my journaling from hand written to digital I feel like I haven’t written as much as I should have which is why I’m struggling I think with emotional stuff the past few months. Not enough therapy.
The worst of it started on Wednesday. It was a weird day, mainly because I felt like I was experiencing life but not fully there. I recall I did things. I recall all the accounts of the day, but I felt like it was all a dream, like none of it really happened. Like I wasn’t really there, but on autopilot. It was such a strange feeling. On Thursday it was much the same. I felt like I was there, but not. Then I started feeling very sick, but not enough to throw up, just enough to feel nauseous and uncomfortable. Friday night I felt the same way, but much worse. Very out of balance and emotional, but not fully present in my person. Finally when I got home from work, I started throwing up. I wondered if my emotional state was causing me to get sick, or if it was my sick that was causing my emotional state.
I called off from the museum on Saturday and deeply rested most of the morning. I was not feeling up for labor or being present with strangers, much less my body needed to recover from the physical activity of sickness that happened the day before. My husband then convinced me to hang out with friends that afternoon and play Dungeons and Dragons, since I was no longer throwing up and not in great emotional shape. He thought perhaps getting out of my four walls would help me, even tough I was determined to become a recluse. Being with friends was different than being with strangers and obligated to work, even if it was only volunteering.
After a successful campaign and some socializing, we gathered a couple of our friends and went on a nature hike. Which of course helped me considerably to go for a walk and be in nature. Then we went out for sushi (I was not up for raw fish so I just got undon noodles) and came home to watch a film (which I watched under a soft and snugly blanket and pajamas), a relaxing evening and calming one. All of which did make me feel more and more present.
Today I feel fully myself again. So if illness or mental breakdown I feel it has now passed. Which I am glad for. It was making me feel like a crazy person to continue to feel that way for several days. Though why I felt that way remains a mystery to me. I wish I knew for sure if it was merely an illness or if it was a greater anxiety or depression issue and if I ought to be more concerned about it or not. Be that as it may, today, I’m hydrating more. I’ve opened all the windows and lit nice smelling candles. I took a refreshing morning shower and have a sermon by Charles Spurgeon playing now as I write. I’ve done everything I can think of to try to feel emotionally better still. Seeking more and more in desire of hanging on to that consciousness that I felt I had lost for a time, though short, which felt like an eternity.