Lately, it feels like God fell silent on me. It’s an uncomfortable experience. I feel unsure and fearful. I feel like chaos is about to overcome me, like I’m waiting for a doom that’s taking agonizingly long to get here. It’s a sense of feeling trapped, but you can run any which way and still go nowhere. I feel like my heart is being caged and unrelentingly disturbed. Like the cage is being rattled and my thoughts along with it.
I know God is there. I know it is not He who fell silent, but myself. Still, I don’t know why I’m not dragged back kicking and screaming like usual. This time it feels like I was just left to run waiting for that voice to call me back, and when it didn’t come I ran faster. Now I feel far away, yet I know He looms near, just waiting for me to let go of the scales I’m pressing against my own eyes and see Him again.
When moments like these happen I find myself feeling uninvested in. Uninvested in by God. Uninvested in by family. Even my husband seems to not want to invest in me. Still I know again this isn’t true. It is I who have isolated myself. It is I who has been investing wrongly. Because when I feel uninvested in, I invest in myself. Not in the safe and healthy self-care way, but in the toxic way where I invest stuff into myself. I buy things. Unnecessary and frivolous things. I make knee jerking decisions without consulting the pieces of me that know better. I make emotional decisions without logic. I overwhelm myself with feelings that exhaust me and make me unproductive. I over invest in myself selfishly. I over indulge without consideration for others. I self preserve instead of doing what is right until I feel conviction.
Conviction hasn’t come yet.