There was once a time when I was able to write like it was no tomorrow. Words would just flow out of me and I just invested so much time in short stories and personal narratives about my life, that it only made perfect sense to invest my time and efforts into documenting life. Yes, my life was quite boring, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have topics to share or thoughts and ideas that I needed to express. So I wrote. I wrote a lot. Tons. So much.
Now it feels like it all dried up.
Not that I haven’t had anything to write about, believe me I did and do. Especially lately. Recently I gave up on a friendship that was very dramatic and messy. Work has been interesting and stressful to navigate because I’m working with a Chinese factory to get packaging done and they can’t seem to send me the right die lines to design on to save anyone’s life. Our newest cat Henry has been joy and pleasure and certainly keeps us on our toes. Any number of these things I could invest time into, but I’m just not.
All my efforts have gone into work and home. Which is where my efforts ought to go. All of this has only ever been therapy, so my readership isn’t so much my concern, though I’m sure plenty of you have felt I have been rude not to send you more updates, poetry, and such else. However, it seems as though all my efforts and energy must go into those two priorities in my life, and I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and really think about and process what the events I mentioned above really mean to me. Basically, I haven’t had time to feel things.
Recently this came back to bite me in the ass of course. As all things that I put off feeling tend to do. I recently had to get off and back on birth control because of switching to different insurance. This week was my first period cycle back on birth control, and everything made me hormonal tot he point that everything made me cry. My cat was cute, I wasn’t slicing my sweet potatoes thin enough for the dehydrator to make sweet potato chips, my husband said something nice to me and I didn’t feel worthy, then I tried to lay down only to have this super sad dream that I woke up crying from. It all fell apart that evening, and suddenly I had too may feelings. Too much to say. Too much I could write, but still didn’t because I was overwhelmed and… where to begin? So of course nothing got written down. I just laid in bed and relaxed trying to cope with these overwhelming emotions with tears streaming down my face while my husband laid next to me reminding me that no matter what I felt like I was going through he was there for me…which was sweet, but not helping an already swarming cloud of overwhelming feelings. It really just added to the noise, but I let him be, knowing all he was trying to do was cope with what I was coping with….which I couldn’t find the words to explain anyway.
So now I’m writing about it. Because I feel like I need to stop letting other things take my time up and spend some time being introspective again. Do some “self care” or whatever bullshit they call it now. So allow me to quit justifying my long absence and actually start some therapy:
Today was a really heavy day. Not in a bad way for myself, but because a friend of mine recently had her husband leave her. It’s tragic and messy and the details involve him having some mental health issues and making some bad decisions, say some hurtful things, and leaving. She’s devastated. I’m devastated. Mostly because we really enjoyed them as a couple. I’m devastated that his mental health causes him to become this way. I’m devastated because I know he isn’t a monster, and she still loves him, but both of them have their hands tied and personal wounds that I can’t even begin to fully understand, and I really don’t need to right now. All I know is I’m so sad for both of them.
I also have a lot of personal feelings in this because we invested so much time and energy into them and kept them in high regard. Now, it puts things in an awkward place. My husband an I are newly weds. We really haven’t had big blow-up situations happen at all in our marriage relationship. Sure we had a few struggles in our dating, but marriage is a new level of drama when it happens…and for us it really hasn’t happened. We’re still kinda in the Honeymoon phase of things. So we feel like we want to help, but at the same time feel really ignorant as to how. Furthermore, we feel as if we have to choose a side since he fell off the map and we still have a relationship with her, but we don’t want to choose a side because we want him to know that he still has people who love and care about him and want him to get help. So there is all that.
To top things off, it makes me realize as a wife that I can lose the love of my life in one bad decision. He could literally wake up tomorrow and choose to no longer be in my life. That’s really hard to swallow in the state I’m in right now emotionally. To think that I have little to no control over the choices my spouse makes, and he could choose to leave me or hurt me is a really scary though. Not that I think he would, but all I know is what he has told me, and in past experiences with former boyfriends and people who claimed to care…people can say a lot of things they don’t mean or promise things they don’t intend to keep.
Of course, their separation is a hot topic of conversation at church now. People like to gossip and whisper no matter how much the Bible tells them not to. The thing that really pisses me off about it the most are the people who are like “She should have known he would do this.” HOW? HOW COULD SHE HAVE KNOWN? HOW CAN ANYONE KNOW? HOW COULD HE EVEN KNOW?
Seriously though? Who falls in love and sees the signs? Who thinks to themselves “I love this person, but I can see that he might leave me someday because of these red flags…” Who does that? Who really sits down and sees those things when the heart wants what the heart wants? Further more what person when they think the world of another person will actually tell them about their issues and flaws? Who is that open and honest? Who is that self aware? Even if they are that self aware what kind of person, when they want another person, is going to talk about the ways they might hurt them or their own glaring flaws? NO ONE! No one is going to be that vulnerable in the beginning. Hell, no one is going to be that vulnerable ever if they have deeply seeded insecurity issues. They want that other person to think the world of them.
Everyone is human. People make mistakes. They hurt one another. So why look for someone to blame more than the other? Why try to say that things can be controlled when people are unpredictable? Why poke your nose in when it isn’t your place and make drama where it doesn’t belong and isn’t needed? I wish people would just leave things alone and love on people when they’re hurting and need it.