“It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.”
The weather isn’t something I pay much attention to for some reason. At least not like other people seem to. It’s not something that occurs to me to pay attention to. It doesn’t really demand my attention like other things in my life. My projects at work do. Juggling things at home does. My insurance does. The weather is hardly on my radar.
I have a few coworkers who seem to know the entire weekly forecast. They know every nuance. A change happens and they’ll tweet about it. If it changes while they’re asleep, they announce it to the world as if it’s a perfectly normal topic of conversation. Though, I do recall lots of movies and books speaking about the weather being just that. It just seems like such a trivial topic. Who has time to pay attention to it? Are people’s lives so dull that the weather becomes such a primary part of it? Do people not have enough to worry about?
I can feel it when I wake up though. Very strongly. I’m very physically and emotionally affected by weather. Perhaps I ought to pay more attention to it, but I like waking up to the surprise of it. The unpredictability of it. The disorganization and unstructured nature of it. The unpredictability of it. I like my life that way. Unpredictable and unstructured. I just can’t make everything in my life fully structured no matter how much I try. I associate it too much with work. I like living the pieces of my life outside of work on the fly. No plans are the best plans much of the time. Of course there is a mild bit of planning. Little tasks that are in my brain, but if the weather doesn’t permit an activity, then it simply doesn’t happen. Most of my plans tend to be indoor anyway.
I get wanting to think trivially though. Or even thinking more structurally. When you make your world smaller it becomes simpler. You can organize things better. My husband thinks that way. Compartmentalizes things. Organizes his world in a very meticulous and sensible manner. He knows the weather. He knows the details of his life. Not that he is a small thinker, but his plans are smaller and more sensible. His opinions and his creativity may not be, but those things he takes action on and implements are. I’m not that way, but I can appreciate that kind of thinking.
Some days I’m disappointed that I can’t think that way in my home life. Why is it that I can manage deadlines and designs but not plans at home? I think it’s because I fear inflexibility. My whole life I have had someone in it who is structured and inflexible. Setting a plan means having something inflexiblesometimes. My brothers both have anxiety problems. My husband does too. I was always the one who had to adjust to the weather of their personalities. I can’t predict their storms. I can’t tell when the clouds will roll in. So I roll instead. Why? Because it creates better harmony. Less disappointment. Less conflict. Better environmental climate. Is it exhausting? Yes. Is it worth the effort? I’m not sure in reality if it is or not. It certainly makes my life easier. Or gives me the perception that my life is easier.
Back to that fear of inflexibility: I see the torment and insecurity that inflexibility causes in the lives of my loved ones and coworkers. How much it prevents people from having experiences. How it inhibits intelligence, rationality, and growth. How lonely it can be to be inflexible. Of course this is all only my perception. It seems like a really difficult life from an outside perspective. I suppose in context they’re comfortable and that’s what matters to them. They need that. Because fear takes over and causes chaos. To me, chaos is inevitable. The unexpected is expectable. Most things are not so chaotic that the world will end. Most average storms are endurable. But, admittedly, I am not Everyman.
I see in myself the problems flexibilities can cause. I often go into tasks expecting the worst and being pleasantly surprised when they go well. It can make a person very critical and even cynical. A dark person. A passive agressive person. Which I tend to be, and pass it off as sarcasm and morbid humor, though less so when I’ve been drinking or had copious amounts of coffee…like now…which has been the entire fueling of the blog post and broken my streak of prolonged silence.
The biggest issue with being flexible is that it requires you to set inconsistent boundaries. Some days it all works out. Others it doesn’t. Which can be super annoying to some people. You also can spread yourself too thin because you want to be flexible for everyone and people please more often than you’d like. You over share options and personal information which also annoys people. Basically, you can become a problem. The very thing you try to avoid. You become the unintentional and unpredictable storm. Which often makes me a bad weather girl.