It’s resurrection Sunday. The most joyous Sunday in Christian holy days. The day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, but not just that, we celebrate the metaphors of dying to self and resurrecting as a child of God because of the sacrifice of Jesus as Christ, Son of God, and Fully God Fully Man.

Today I still dwell on that concept of dying to self. What that looks like in my life. What that will look like in my marriage (in 6 days). I think about what it means to be an ultimate servant in God’s Kingdom and what that means for all my relationships. My biggest downfall lately has been how burned out and exhausted by wedding planning I’ve gotten, and how bitter it has made me feel about the wedding. I see it as money out of my pocket. I see it as a waste of resources and time. If all that needs doing is paperwork signed then what’s the point of the party? The whole ceremony? All of it?

I’m trying to see it through the eyes of my bridesmaids and friends. They keep telling me that it’s a celebration of two lives coming together and unifying. That the gifts are not obligations, but blessings that people actually want to give us. That the symbolism is important.
The symbolism is important, just not from the wedding. The cross. The cross Christ died on is important, because it’s making me realize that a wedding is not really for or about the couple…and in most cases it’s not even really about God…but rather about the audience. Yes, it’s a show. But because I agreed to the show, my act of service is to continue to plan so that my audience is comfortable, and do what I can to make the audience understand that the focus of my marriage is God. Because He is whom I serve.

This requires me to let go of the bitterness. Which I think is very difficult for most people, including myself. If I have bitterness I have something to hold on to. If things go wrong I have justification. I have a weapon to protect myself with. Like a battle ax to obliterate commentary and ridicule. If I let go of it, I have to trust that God will take care of things. That He will see what is fit for me. That He will see to the hearts and minds attending my wedding and that I will be justified as He is justice. I would have to trust it will all be okay. That the money spent will come back in blessings in one way or another, as He provides in our lives.
I’m not good with trust. I’ve been shafted enough in my life to know that failure is an option, and one people take willingly as a copout.

That’s my struggle though. My sin. The sin that Christ knew when he hung on that cross and died. As he hung there, he thought of me. Of all of us. Knew every sin that was holding him there, and never held them against us.

Pray for me. Because I realize that my bitterness is only holding my distastes against others, and today, dying to self means letting it go and letting God handle things. Learning to celebrate, and letting go of anxiety, shallowness, fear, and so much more.


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