Nine Days

The single digits now. The last minute everything piling up. The stress should be lifting by this point right? Things are getting done as the day gets closer. You would think marking things off the checklist would help right?

Then why do I feel more stress?

Things in my life are burning me out.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with a newer friend, who is dealing with a lot of things. She’s much older than me. Been divorced twice. Marrying another man who is crazy about her in a few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with her. I can’t even say I know how our friendship began. We’re coworker’s. So we see each other all week, and then I hang out with her a great deal, and I enjoy her. I do. She’s an amazing person who has been through a lot, but she can be a downer, because life is hard, and in many ways…she’s a very insecure person with some very toxic behaviors.

She drains me, but I love her.

She told me the other day that she likes me because I seem to know myself, and I do, but I hate that it’s the trait of knowing myself that draws people who don’t know themselves to myself. I also like other people who know themselves. I am not drained by people who know themselves. But, people who are insecure like to be with people who are less insecure to learn their ways…and then depend on those people to teach them their ways. I don’t know how to teach a person to know themselves. I’m not them. I cannot teach them how it works, because what works for me doesn’t work for them. So in turn, they demand affirmation. Affirmation for toxic behaviors. Which I do not give. So there is tension, then they accept it, and then they spend more time with me to show me how they are changing. This is all very generalized of course. This is just what seems to happen consistently with the people who have been in my life. It repeats its self in cycles. Sometimes they get mad and don’t talk to me for a while. I like those periods of time, because I seem to have more freedom. But I’m also sad during those times, because I miss their non-toxic moments. When they finally realize they are allowed to be themselves and not vying for my attention by acting like they are in some kind of personal crisis. (Talking about killing themselves, hurting temselves, and starving themselves, being the most common forms of toxic manipulation. To which they always seem disappointed by my calm and nonchalant response: “I’m disappointed, and I care deeply, but I cannot stop you.” At this point in my life, none of this surprises me. ) So I wait it out and pray for them.

These last nine days have been stressful for many other reasons too. I spent the last few months planning a wedding. That took a lot out of me. I’m not a planner. I don’t like to plan. I plan out of fear and anxiety when I do plan. Which adds to the stress. Then on top of it, because my plans seem to turn out okay, I’m asked to plan more. Given more responsibilities and tasks. So now that I have planned a wedding, planning a honeymoon is expected of me. I asked my fiancé to do it for us, since it can’t be that hard. I mean, it’s a staycation. All he has to do is google day trips and stuff in our area. Not hard. Guess what? He still hasn’t done anything, booked anything, or made any kind of plan for us. DO I HAVE TO FREAKING DO EVERYTHING!?!?!? Apparently.

I just wanna nap at this point. Frequently. Daily. Perhaps all day. Perhaps all week. Perhaps forever. I also want to cry. I’m so burned out. I also want to drink heavily. I want to stay home and snuggle with my cat. I wish the wedding could happen without me. That he could have his huge party and just enjoy himself with all his friends like he wants, and I can stay home with my few intimate friends and my cat and drink tea and talk quietly, and when his party is over, he can just show up at the house and we’re married. Yay! Wouldn’t that be nice? I sure think so.

But no. I have to put on the show. Even though life makes me so tired.


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