Confessions

I am easily discouraged lately. 

I’m discouraged because work has been very tense with toxic communication and disrespect for other people’s job descriptions. 

I’m discouraged because I’m paying a great deal of money for a wedding that doesn’t feel like the intimate and God centered setting I wanted it to be. 

I’m discouraged because many of the people who expressed that they would be sad if I eloped and disappointed if they were not invited to my wedding, have already told me they will not be able to attend it. 

I’m discouraged because when I get depressed as I have been lately, I buy things with money I don’t have and then feel a deep sense of regret for having spent so much so foolishly. 

I’m discouraged because I am so easily exhausted by people, even if they are people I desperately love and admire, and this exhaustion is often misunderstood as rejection when I turn them down when asked to hang out. 

I’m discouraged because I desperately want to enjoy things, but I’m so tired from work, wedding planning, and freelance designing that each moment I spend attempting to enjoy things is quickly turned into a reminder that this time I’m spending attempting to enjoy life, is taking away from time I could be working on my many obligations. 

However. 

I am encouraged that I have a God who understand all this. Who knows my inner most parts and sees what’s going on and comes to me in unexpected ways, even when I am resistant to Him and His love for me. I am truest blessed in all this, and I am growing in these struggles. 

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