I just filled out two forms for pre-marital counseling. Two. Forms. And I’m not even done yet. There are still more forms to fill out online for some program we able to pay for that guides us through our counseling sessions. Really? All this? What happened to sitting in sessions and actually talking together about stuff? What’s with all these personality tests and such? Seeing if he and I are compatible? It’s a little late for that.
I despise wedding planning enough as it is. But the pre-marital counseling stuff took a weird turn. I had asked the pastor of a church I went to formerly to marry us because he was a great leader, and probably the only pastor I have ever had that I trusted and knew me and my family pretty well. Since asking him, two other pastors, whom I have never met, were thrown into our midst because of other obligations that our pastor had. Granted, I realize pastors have a lot of things going on. Apparently several of those things involve leaving he country multiple times in a span of a few weeks. I get it. Things happen and life circumstances can’t be avoided. If you have plans you have plans. But, I cannot express how uncomfortable that makes me feel to know people that I don’t know are going to be in charge of counseling me and my future spouse. Who are these men? Why are they e-mailing me so many forms? Why do these forms ask me to disclose so much information? I seriously considered filling them out while drunk, because I’m so uncomfortable being handed into hands I don’t know I’m finding it hard to want to give out answers to such intimate and personal questions.
I realize my distrust is a bigger issue in my life. With my bad relationships with men who were meant to be spiritual leaders, and even claimed to be good ones with solid theology, I have such broken trust with pastors in general. Presently, I have never personally introduced myself to my current pastor at the church I have attended for 6 years of my life. In turn…he has never put fourth effort to introduce himself to me. In some cases it seems as if when he’s going down the hall…he intentionally skips over me. I don’t know if I just give off the vibe that I’m not approachable? I do all I can to look nice when I go to church. I go to the fellowship hall. I drink tea and float near people…in vain it seems. I can’t connect to anyone here.
It was so different there though.
The pastor I asked to marry us made intention of meeting me. He wrote my name in a sticky note in his Bible so he would remember it. He associates meeting me with the verse he taught on that fist Sunday I attended his church and any time he turns his Bible to that verse, my name is still on that sticky note in his Bible, and he’s told me he prays for me when he reads that scripture to prepare for a lesson. He does this for all he members of his congregation. He knows all their names and prays for them all regularly by this method. Sure his Bible ends up looking really messy, but he remembers my name. Because of this I have trusted him and confided with him, even when we moved states away I know I can call him at any time and he will treat me as a member of his congregation. He has given me his time freely and took time to get to know me.
His wife is wonderful too. A woman I could see myself befriending more if I were not so introverted. She’s offered in the past, but I was young and much less outgoing then. Painfully insecure. So I often declined, but she was certainly my kind of person. A boho kind of gentle spirit. Artistic and talented. She helped connect me to some near and dear friends. I built relationships with people by their help and guidance. They made time to make sure I met with people and knew what was going on. I felt valuable. I felt included.
Damn I miss them.
I’m disappointed that I’ve been passed off to men I don’t know and have to just…trust without knowing.