I sent my fiancé a message this morning. A message that was extremely heartfelt, and I cannot contain my joy and my overwhelming realization on how close the wedding day is. It read:
“Good morning my love. I prayed for you this morning. I sincerely cannot wait to be your wife and I cannot thank God enough for bringing you into my life! I’m so fortunate and I pray you find solid friendships here in Wisconsin and that you enjoy your time here and learn and grow as a husband and as an individual! I love you so much! ❤️”
I meant it too. I’ve been praying every day I remember to pray ( I’ve mentioned before that prayer is a struggle I have I think, if I haven’t you know now). I pray that he finds really good friends at church and outside of it. I pray her gets involved in church and involved in the community in some way and learns to be part of things instead of being an observer. I pray he listens to God and let’s God lead instead of fear and doubt.
To be honest, I pray for these things because I pray for them in myself.
Since reading about Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder, I realize how much I struggle with reality. How much I am personally an observer life and not a liver of life. How long I have convinced myself that I was living life, when I was falsely convincing myself. Now, I gave. A person who is anchoring me to life, not just because of his constant presence, but because I want to be present with him. I want his life to be involved with mine. I want to experience life and love and live in this reality that we are able to create ourselves. I don’t want to live in daydreams. I want to live with him.
The wedding I may not be very excited about. I still am struggling with the expense and the amount of detail that is going into this event. However, knowing at the end of the night it’s just going to be the two of us makes it worth while. I’m excited for once. I’m really excited. I’ve been getting so stressed out about the wedding and the details and he plans and he scheduling and micromanaging that will be required that I’m forgetting that at the end of the day…ill be married to the love of my life, and what happens happens at the wedding….and it is not a reflection of the marriage. If things fall apart and don’t go according to plan, it’s not he end of the world. I’m going to have a husband, and that matters more to me than the details and the little things that I cannot control.