Rambling

I woke up at 1:30 am. Laying awake, I suddenly was aware of how quickly time was flying. I’m getting married in three months. Three months! I wasn’t nearly as ready as I thought I ought to be!  I haven’t even sent out the save-the-dates! I haven’t even gotten my dress alterations! What about the obligatory bridal shower? With family so far apart I would have to have two of them! One here and one there! Why was this feeling so complicated?

I couldn’t sleep again for another four hours as I brainstormed the possibilities of dates for bridal showers, worried about the timeline, and went over and over again in my head everything I really ought to do before I tied the knot. I had only just that previous afternoon, had a panic attack and spoken to my fiancé about how far behind I felt. How inadiquate I was feeling about it all. Everything from not having my save-the-dates mailed to how I was gaining weight and afraid my dress wouldn’t fit….even though that was absurd because I had only gained four pounds and my dress was purchased when I was nearly 8 pounds heavier. Everything was feeling like it was crashing down, and I didn’t know with what time I’d be able to get it all done. 

When I decided to get out of bed at 9am, I got in touch with everyone via texting and Facebook Messenger. I contacted my maid of honor to iron out bridal shower stuff. I emailed the caterer to make final adjustments. It was Sunday, so I wouldn’t be able to get stamps to mail the save-the-dates, but I was sure going to do that Monday. I contacted my fiance’s aunt who was willing to host a bridal shower with his side of the family. Got that ball rolling. I drank my coffee black. I ate oatmeal with coconut sugar. I did a quite time that was more of me praying to God about every inadiqucy I was dealing with, including having a hard time going to church. I skipped church. I read another chapter of the book of Nehemiah. I snuggles in a sunbeam with my cat. Took my antibiotics. 

Now I’m concluding writing this and hoping I feel some kind of sense of accomplishment. 

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