“I see you’ve been taking more blood sugars and remembering your insulin. You’re gaining weight again. I’m really please.”
The one part of taking insulin…the weight gain. Which is a positive sign of insulin being used in the body, but not always the kind of thing a young woman wants to hear. As she talked about how things are looking better, I couldn’t help but feel the annoying anxiety about gaining weight again. With all my diabetic complications from having too many high blood sugars, the weight loss was the only seemingly positive part. I had a goal ages ago to meet my BMI ideal weight of 125bl one day. Because of my high blood sugars and foolish habits, I had met that goal without even trying. I looked thin. People told me I looked good. People noticed.
It’s considered an eating disorder. There is a name for it. I can’t remember what it is. Intentionally not taking insulin for your diabetes in order to lose weight. I can’t say that I didn’t do it intentionally either…there were days it crossed my mind. That if I didn’t take insulin that day it would show on my waist line later. It’s a horrible habit. One that I’ve been too aware of ever since I heard about it in high school while researching eating disorders for a class. One that has haunted me for a very long time…and impacted me more than I am willing to admit.
How can I be so foolish?
I spent the rest of this afternoon, when I got home from the appointment, looking at fad diets on Pinterest. I mentioned to my fiancé that I was concerned about the weight gain, but he did as all loving men do…assured me my size was not what he loved about me. Which is nice and all, but I wasn’t really concerned about what he thought looked good. It wasn’t about him. I care what I think, and I wanna be this size for a long time. I started a secret board of diets and exercises. Pinned a bunch of stuff I’ll probably never have the dedication to do. Found ever low carb diet on the planet that I could. Not that I’d ever look at them again. That’s my habit with Pinterest. I never seem to go back and look at the boards after I pin things…unless it’s a recipie or something…and usually for some kind of Asian dish I wanna make.
The worst part is I’m not, nor have I ever been considered overweight. I’ve been a perfectly normal size all my life. Between a size 12 and a size 8 ever since I can remember. Now, I’ve tasted what a single digit dress size was like and in a shallow, stupid societal construct, I find myself wishing I could be skinny…and tempted to do so at the risk of my own health. It’s like for ever good thing I do, I find an obstacle that makes me hesitate.