The Struggle

I’ve been reading “You and Me Forever” by Francis and Lisa Chan these past couple months. I must admit that reading it has been difficult for me, because if there is anything I don’t like reading, it’s things that convict me of offenses I commit.

The biggest things that this book is convicting me of is the time I spend outside of spending time investing in my relationship with God. How much I fail a it. How hard it is for me to be still and listen, and how much I spend my time entertaining myself, instead of fueling and living the mission: to make followers of Christ.

I struggle to make followers, mainly because I have a hard time being around, trusting, and being vulnerable with people. My lifestyle comes across as unreal. I swear. A lot. I can come off as cocky. I fear that I have so little to show for my faith, at least so little to openly show. The only thing I can speak openly about is the fact that I’ve been able to keep my virginity thus far, and I pray and pray I still can as my marriage draws near. Some days are more difficult than others, but thankfully, the long distance between he and I makes it doable, and the time we spend constantly around people when we are together because we are or I am, forced into social events and toted around like show horses.

Lately I have been contemplating my place as a disciple who is called to disciple. How does someone who struggles with being exhausted by people learn to disciple them? I’m legitimately asking! What do I do? How do I accomplish this when spending time with others causes me to be so tired? Half the time I don’t know how I’m going to function in a relationship with an extrovert. He’s going to want to drag me with him everywhere, and how am I going to respond to having someone there 24/7? I can hardly stand myself if my thoughts are too loud 24/7! I’m not used to that. I’m not used to that presence. That persistence…and even the kind of neediness that husbands can have towards their wives.

That’s another thing that the book speaks about. Neediness. That you ought to bring your needs to God to be met. That your husband can fulfill earthly desires and sexual desires, but God fulfills earthly and spiritual needs…even wants. I still ponder painfully how this is accomplished? How do I get to the point where I can actually experience the sensation of feeling needs fulfilled? Why do I struggle with that? Why does it hurt so much to struggle with that? Why can’t I just get to a point where I don’t want or need anything? Shouldn’t I just be content? That seems like a much easier task than needing something or wanting something. To not want or need anything.

The struggle continues.


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