Painful Possibilities

“I don’t think she understands that I may not live to see that.” 

I had finally said it. It finally came out of my mouth after thinking it for the last couple of years. There it was out in the open. In the back of my parents minivan on Sept. 11th, 2016, I finally said the words that were always hardest to think and even harder to utter. 

We were talking about me buying a house. I had aunts who had opinions about it. They thought I should invest more in my retirement. That I should get a fixer upper and just work on a really inexpensive house for the rest of my life. That I shouldn’t be spending so much money. Blah blah blah. So I said it. Finally. That I may not live to see my retirement. That I may not live to see my house finished. That I may not live long enough to have cool experiences in my retirement like most people. So I had to live now, because it may be all I have left. 

But retired people who are extremely well off and healthy don’t get that. They aren’t even thinking about the end of their life. They only just retired. They finally get to live the life they worked for. So of course they’ll have opinions. They aren’t thinking that I’m a 25 year-old with type one diabetes, the body of an 80 year-old, and the immune system of an AIDS victim. No one looks at a young woman in her mid 20s and says that she’s likely to die young. 

People don’t see invisible diseases. They don’t see the uncontrolled blood sugars. The random illnesses. The pain and ache that cause your joints to stiffen from high blood sugars. The feeling of a low blood sugar, telling you that you better eat something fast or you’ll die. The constant awareness that you might suddenly suffer from organ failure if you can’t get these blood sugars under control.
People don’t get to see that. So they have opinions. Ignorant and irrelevant opinions. 

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