I could practically hear the grimace over the phone. Without words his lips still managed to say I thought women wanted weddings. I do. I want a wedding…of just the two of us and a pastor. Maybe a couple witnesses. They don’t even have to be people we know. Just people to sign the paperwork.
Half way through the conversation I began stress crying because of how overwhelming it all felt. I have been engaged for only three days and I already had two panic attacks. I have a house to find because my lease is up in less than two months. I have Christmas to set up for at work, which is always an overwhelming job. I have to apply and interview for jobs in the area because I’m desperately trying to get out of retail and find full-time work to be able to afford a house, my medical expenses (I still haven’t seen a dentist or an eye doctor in a year), and now a wedding…which would also need planning (church, pastor, venue, photographer, caterer, DJ, all the guests listed needing to be organized, save-the-dates to make, invitations to design, decorations for the venue, and I’m sure plenty more that I don’t know about). I also have to find a primary doctor and get started on birth control so I can get it in my system and figure out what works best for me before my honeymoon. I have to figure out what I need to do in order to legally change my name so I know the process to go through and what paperwork I need. I have to figure out where we ought to honeymoon!
I don’t even want to think of the guest list, which may be complete or as complete as I can get it, but will definitely exclude some members of my friend group and family members, which is never a fun task. I never like cutting people out and weighing how attached I am to them. To be honest I struggle with being attached to other people recently. Which is probably why I would rather elope. My fiancé is just about the only human being I really feel attached to emotionally, and often times I feel very disconnected from him because of this distance and my basic survival mode I often go into just to make it through the day. I feel like that with most of my friends right now. All this distance is making me feel isolated emotionally and physically. I either want them all near me, or I want them to all just go away. There is no in between.
So I cried. He told me that I was just tired because it was late. No. I wasn’t just tired. I was overwhelmed at the mere thought of having to plan a wedding and juggle all my other responsibilities. It was like all my obligations were piling up and I don’t have enough time in my day to do it all. Still, I managed to mutter an if you sayso and wish him a good night without screaming or threatening my own life. I’ll take that as a small victory.