“It’s been so long.” She said on the phone, and hearing her voice only made me miss her more deeply than I even realized. I had been ignoring how much I missed everyone from school. It was painful to think about it. Things kept getting in the way of me making a plan to see them. She called, and it tore open that wound of longing. It had been too long since I had been with my tribe.
But, it’s so hard to talk to people about it.
My soul is tired. So tired. I can’t even express how much that is affecting me. How it’s affecting my relationships. How it’s affecting my ability to function and how much I feel like I’m putting myself into survival mode. How sucked dry I feel by every effort I have to make. How selfish that makes me feel. How horrible it makes me feel. What a shitty friend, girlfriend, sister, and daughter that makes me feel like I’m being.
I’ve been desperately lonely while being desperately lazy lately. Which has made me more incline to say yes to friends and family nearby when they want to hang out with me. Which doesn’t help the fact that I know I also desperately need down time to let my very tired soul rest. But I haven’t let it rest. Not in such a long time. So every effort I have made to try and human, has made me feel less like one. I go to work. I come home and nap restlessly if I can even manage it. I go out on weekends. I never seem to stop.
With this kind of exhaustion comes a lot of depression and anxiety. In case you didn’t know, I’ve been super depressed, and being depressed has put me on autopilot. I just smile and nod and foolishly say yes to whatever plan happens to bumble it’s way into my calendar. I’m not prioritizing anything. I’m just doing things. Going going going. To the point where I can hardly take a moment to myself. Trying to desperately fill my life with fun plans and busyness. Disguising that inside I feel like my soul is withering away. So I fill the empty spaces where those piece of me died, with fun. Hoping the fun will be enough. Will hold me until I can get better and feel better, and for a little while it helps…then it hurts. Then I feel horrible for being so foolish and needy. Then I want to curl up and die.
It’s a vicious cycle. One that is entirely my own fault.
This makes the other areas in my life also wither away. I have not seen my besties from school in a year. My conversations with my boyfriend have gone from being an hour to several hours long to being 20min and no longer at night. Other friends who live further distances have resorted to pretty much following me on social media, recognizing that it’s the only place they’re really going to see what’s going on because I’ve stopped messaging them. Those whom I’ve messaged nearly everyday still hold my attention, but show concern because they’ve noticed the changes in my tone and have read these posts here. They have sensed my exhaustion. They hope I’m okay.
I know I will be someday, but just not today.
I don’t know how to tell people that I just feel like I can’t handle life. How I feel like I’m just fumbling around and how I wish I could just get a really good nights sleep and feel like a real human being again when I wake up. How I wish my health got better. That finances didn’t cripple me the way they did. That emotions wouldn’t run me into the ground. How some days I wish they lived nearer to me so I could spend every day with them and never feel lonely again. How other days I wish I could turn everything off. Cut all ties and have a few months away from work, friends, family, and all forms of communication/social networking to clear away my anxiety and figure me out. To rest my soul for a while. To see who would still be there for me when I got back.
It would all for the sake of self preservation. Which makes me feel like a horrible person. It makes me feel selfish and anti-social. Though deep down I know I don’t hate anyone. I love my friends and family. But how does one say that you need to avoid some of the people you love because you’re so desperately exhausted by life after clearly having been so needy and lonely and constantly around those people not to long beforehand? You can’t. So you suffer though it all and hope you don’t collapsed suddenly into a pile of diamonds from the pressure.
Other people must go through this right? I’m not an anomaly? Other people experience being overwhelmed and I know I’m not the only one who is tired? Because I feel so dysfunctional because of it. I hate that. I’m a “strong independent woman” aren’t I? So why am I barely holding on? Why does ever human interaction feel like I’m being sucked of my soul?
Probably because I’m not spending it with the right kind of people.
I work retail. Most shoppers are needy. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my extroverted friends, many of which thrive in drama. Of course I’m tired! Of course I’m exhausted and feeling used up! I’ve been self preserving myself away from the people who invest in me in return. I’m being poured out without being poured into. I shouldn’t say that is true in every case thankfully. I have friends I speak to nearly every day on Facebook who are trying to pour back into me, which is hard to do at any distance, and in cases like me, must be pretty draining to have to put up with. Which is another reason I feel like a terrible person. I’m becoming a burden and I know it.
I just have to remind myself that it’s all worth it. That my relationships with those people are important even at this distance, and that I can’t take advantage of the fact that we are all so close and assume things are going to be fine when I fall off the face of the earth and become negligent. Relationships are hard work. Romantic, familial, or otherwise. I can’t keep making excuses for myself on the basis of feelings.
Still…I’m so tired. Soul tired.