“When you pray, do you expect God to actually answer?” My pastor asked this morning.
No. No I don’t.
I was told that the three ways God answers prayer with either, a ‘yes’, a ‘no’, or a ‘not yet.’ I don’t know why I have felt this way, but since I was younger I always assumed that the answers to my prayers were going to be no. Perhaps it was because of my prayers for a sister only to have her pass away after I got her (a painful reminder even now since the anniversary of her passing occurred on August 5th). Perhaps it’s been since I was diagnosed with diabetes and praying for a cure…only to not receive it…which is foolish to want anyway since my disease is totally treatable and I’ve just been lazy and sucking at doing what I ought to, so I scold myself for wanting it since I don’t even act like I want to live a healthy life. I could come up with reasons upon reasons. Reasons why God wouldn’t want to answer my prayers. Reasons why I wouldn’t want to pray them at all.
I’m an excellent excuse maker.
I assume a great deal. I am a person who feels a great deal of abandonment and rejection. I feel misunderstood and thus I behave as if even God has misunderstood me. So I live life through this cracked lens. Only looking through the foggiest and most warped fragment…and ignoring the rest of the picture. I even hide behind that broken fragment of the lens. Thinking no one can see back at me, like its a one sided mirror. But I forget that when I hide behind that broken fragmented lens, people see that same broken and fragmented image of myself too. They too choose which fragment to look at me through. Not God though. He looked at me from above as well as from within that lens. He’s peering out of it with me, constantly trying to remind me that the lens doesn’t have to be so broken. That he can fix the cracks if I let Him. That even if I don’t want Him to fix them, that He is willing to stay within that lens. That I’m not in my own broken glass prison. Whispering in my ear the truth, if I am willing to listen.