As I got into my car, the heartache I was keeping at bay finally spilled over. I had never felt so completely broken apart, though I’ve said that to myself before, and the worst thing was, that nothing had actually happened to cause it. I went from feeling amazing that I accomplished so much at work today, to suddenly being overcome with a deep sense of hopelessness, and wishing I was dead.
Mental illness is something very difficult to figure out. For the longest time I had never actually identified myself as depressed. You see, that word had been handed to me when I was much older, but while I was younger I recognized that there was something within me that was changing, and wasn’t quite right. When I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 9, “depressed” was a word used to describe chemical imbalances that could very well be caused by my diabetes. I accepted this truth, and as it got worse and worse as I got older, I began to wish the term had never been handed to me. That I could just call it being sad. That it didn’t even exist.
Today I laid in bed after work. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t do anything. Eventually I got up and took some Saint Johns Wort. Then I laid on the couch. My boyfriend called. Asked if I was okay. Then and only then did the tears start flowing. It was embarrassing. How do you tell someone who loves you that out of nowhere you found yourself wishing you were dead? How do you explain further that there is absolutely no reason for it in your life? How do you tell them it’s not because you don’t love them, that it’s nothing they did, and that you don’t think you can be cheered up today? How? How the fuck do you tell them that they’re amazing, but you just wish you weren’t alive anymore?
How do you tell them when you suddenly feel better, and go back to moments of normal? How do you reconcile those emotions and problem to them? How do you tell them it isn’t lashing out for attention, that it ligit happens this way? That it passes sometimes. How do you tell them that sometimes it doesn’t pass for a long time and it’s not their fault? How do you get them to understand?
None of it makes sense. None of it.