Awareness

The bowtie noodles were disturbed as I continued to mix in what was left of the spaghetti sauce into them. The first bite was only slightly tragic as I discovered that I did not cook the noodles long enough, but that was a short lived emotion, since I was too hungry to care. As I chewed the odd texture of soft firmness, I contemplated life in a manner that made me consider the fragility of life. 

I had a return today. In retail it’s not very unusual. People return things all the time. But this happened to be a bag of over $105 dollars worth. I had inquired to the man if there was anything wrong with the purchase. 
“No, she just bought it on Saturday and died on Sunday.”
I nodded. Not quite shocked, but I pretended for his sake. I offered my condolences. Informed him that there were a few items not present in the bag, and let him know what he would need to do in order to close the credited account. He seemed grateful. He left without further fuss. 
It seemed so coincidental. 
Earlier in the day I was writing a note at work instructing how signs should be set for Friday morning. “But, you’re here Friday morning right?” One of my managers asked me looking as if I was being absurd. “Yeah, allegedly, but you never know.” She scoffed and laughed it off. Made a silly joke about me playing hooky. I laughed along too, knowing she didn’t mean anything by it. Perhaps it was somewhat silly of me. I didn’t tell her though. I just got a new insulin pump with a continuous glucose monitoring system. Because of my sudden awareness of how much I didn’t take care of myself, my blood sugars were dropping as I increased my awareness and thus my insulin intake…sometimes dangerously low. I live alone. No one is here to save me if something happens. I didn’t talk about having 4 low blood sugars the night before…and how that morning as I woke from my sleep I began to realize that I wasn’t guaranteed a tomorrow.
You don’t talk about those kinds of things at work though. Not since one of my coworkers committed suicide. People kinda glaze over that topic now.
Life is very short. I’ve seen and heard many customers come and go. It is a part of things. Faces start to disappear after awhile. New ones come. It’s the way things are. But, today, it felt like the weight of everything pressed down on my heart. I could be one of those faces. It happens. I’m not immune to it. 
This is my reality. This is everyone’s reality. It just became very apparent quite suddenly today. Not that it wasn’t before, but today it strikes me again. Harder even. On this rainy day as I sit at my tiny table for two, eating half cooked noodles, I am more aware of it than ever before.  

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