Today was a day where nothing had to touch my heart to make it bleed. Things barely had to come near it and it would crack and bleed a little more. Making me wish I could simply disappear into those cracks and never come out.
Retreating is easy when everythin hurts. The combination of emotional turmoil and drama from the week prior made the week ahead seem unpromising and perhaps even more painful than the week before. Even in my bed that night, trying to get some kind of sleep, I found myself hoping the next morning I wouldn’t wake up at all.
I tore at my soul all day. Collapsed into bed moments ago. I find myself wishing my eyes were heavy with sleep instead of sorrow. I don’t want to wake up to the reality that is my life. “Just another day. One more day to heal. That’s all.” I pleaded into the darkness of my room. Smothering my face tearfully into my pillow, hoping God could hear me still.
Another day won’t be enough. I know that. I know it painfully. I just hope it isn’t too much to ask is all. I never want to sound greedy when I ask God for something. I know that sounds silly, since God already knows I am greedy and loves me all the same. It’s just something I find myself doing in hopes that maybe the sinner in me would subside for just a little while, and maybe I can learn to not be so painfully aware of my failures. Maybe things will hurt less if I know most of what hurts isn’t my fault…or at least if I felt like everything isn’t my fault in life. If Only I didn’t feel like such a horrible excuse for a human being so often. If my default emotion wasn’t that hopeless sadness.
I will survive as usual, only this time I know it will be a long haul. I will have to hunker down within myself and do what I can to protect myself. So as I lay in bed I find myself trying to build up a cocoon of blankets around me. I keep imagining being encapsulated within hard titanium sensory depravation tanks in hopes that I can forget myself a little longer and protect myself a little better.
When morning comes, the tank will open and I hope a new day will find me more fresh and hopeful.
Here’s to hoping.