It was only by chance I had heard my alarm go off. The night previous I had been softly playing music on the tabletop as one of my few guy friends and I caught up over tea and all the druggy gossip I missed out on not being involved in the local drug culture. The volume was so low I wondered how I had woken up at all, but that was short lived since the adrenaline rush kicked in from nearly waking up late. Immediately I turned off the alarm and while walking into the bathroom to take my morning thyroid pill, I turned up the volume and set my phone down on the counter.
I don’t know how long I let the water run after I took my pill, but it was longer than necessary. I had spent a great deal of time examining my own eyes. Looking at the variations of color, and then noticing the sad expression. You could tell, even hours later, that I had spent a great deal of time crying alone in bed that night before.
I turned off the water the moment I finished wondering if my sink was deep enough to drown myself in.
As I brewed my tea that morning I did my quiet time. Instead of praying to God I started journaling letters to Him, and as I wrote there was a deep part of me that doubted that would count as prayer. It would have to do. I had hoped God would understand it was the only way for me to actually concentrate on praying. I hoped He also understood why I didn’t have much deeper and more pressing things to pray about on that last page of my journal. Things seemed so normal. So ordinary and depressing. I felt tired, like I always did. I felt sad and overwhelmed, like I often had. Today was as unremarkable and completely filled with emotional fallout from all the drama of the weeks before, as any other day in my life. I prayed the usual things, because my life has become that… stagnant and usual.
By 7:30am I was trying to get the data on my phone to load faster, to no avail, because I knew I had used up all my high speed data. I was trying to get my weather app on my phone to work so I knew weather or not I would need my coat for the day or if I could leave it home and get away with long sleeves. It was 42 degrees when my app finally loaded…and apparently sunrise was at 12:47pm. Great.
By 12:47 pm I had hoped that it would feel like sunrise, but I was already bored to death and exhausted as I listened to our corporate leader drone on about the visual expectations for the week. I had spent that morning decorating the Shoe Department with tiny Christmas trees and greenery covered in red balls. She spoke of the other departments we would have to focus on. When the call finished I returned to the Christmas attic on and off, dragging my last few decorations to Shoes and placing them as I had been ordered to by the corporate hive mind. As I decorated I kept catching glimpses of myself in the large red orb ornaments, and wondering if my makeup could ever really cover the sadness my eyes had held so deeply that morning. If it was even possible for makeup to hide the undesired emotions I felt. I finished picking up my mess and as I started down the ladder, I wondered how easily I could throw myself off and crack my skull open on the concrete floor below.
I quickly put the ladder away and chained it twice as well as I usually do to its place against the wall.
Twenty minutes after I was supposed to clock out, I walked to my car. Sitting in the warmth of my black leather interior I took a moment to lean back on my seat and breath. I attempted to release the tension in my shoulders, but I just couldn’t relax enough. My mind was weary, but ever running, and every thought moved so quickly, that I found it hard to catch even one to ground me back in reality. I muttered something to myself. I don’t recall what, but it probably wasn’t coherent. I just needed to make a noise, just to remember that I had a voice to use if I needed to. My thoughts attpted to organize and as I sat there with my eyes closed I wondered how hot a car would have to be to cause you to stop breathing. I turned on the ignition, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t turn on the radio.
I did, however, turn on the vents to get the air moving.