Phone in hand and rain pattering its journey upon and down my slinging glass door, I found myself with that all too familiar feeling of dissatisfaction. That same pestering feeling of wishing I was doing something much more remarkable than reading blog posts on my phone and eating left over orange chicken (my first attempt at making it on my own). My cat watched the droplets trail down the window and the splashes they made on the softening plywood that was my balcony floor. I popped a bridle sprout in my mouth and chewed it.
How did this even happen?
I’m not looking for fame. Not even a little. I am merely looking for small successes. I’m looking for a mentor at church. Someone to invest spiritual time into me and won’t be overly busy to do so. I’m looking for my women’s Bible Study to grow instead of the shrinking it has done. I’m looking to make some spritual revelations and to feel compelled to be a different person because of those strides in my faith walk. I’m looking for a relationship with a God honoring man, who falls in love with my strangeness and wants us to be a couple happy with small successes.
Now that I put them into writing, I can see the irony of calling them “small” successes. I suppose they come across as really selfish too. Lots of “I’m” and “me” implied when not said in those sentences. Things I should be wanting for God. Not wanting selfishly.
It’s really discouraging when you see people you know out having adventures and doing cool things. Friends of mine are in Ethiopia right now. Working with a women’s ministry and an orphanage to build communities of safety and teach them life skills to make a living wage for themselves. How cool does that sound? Spending time having cultural experiences and crossing bridges and barriers to help out other human beings! It’s like a dream!
Here I am eating leftovers as it rains. Suffering the sameness.
I know much of it is my fault. I have had those opportunities when I was younger and didn’t require employment. Then I let them go. Now it’s harder to take time off work to do those things. That and I deal with such fear around my type one diabetes that I talk myself out of adventures and into uselessness. Which is ironically my gretest fear fully realized and manifested. That my disease would render me useless.
The problem about all this, is I don’t know how to change it. I look at my skills and wonder how people seem to be so comfortable finding their niche in the midst of so much uncertainty. Where do they even start? Do things just fall in their lap? What did they have to do to get things rolling? How do those entrepreneurs get their own nonprofits rolling? How do people find ministry opportunities these days? What’s out there other than the Peace Corp?
I have no idea. I feel miserably stuck. Maybe I’ll feel better when the rain lets up.