“He committed suicide last night.”
My heart sank into my stomach.
“Oh wow.” Was all I could muster.
A coworker I worked close to had ended his own life. The last person in the world I would have thought to take his own life, was gone. Always smiling and joking around with everyone. Always something nice to say, or something wise to impart on people. Thoughtful and introspective as ever. Clear blue eyes and a heart of gold.
A broken heart of gold apparently.
I felt bad for the manager who called me. He had gone to my coworkers home to find him when he didn’t show up for work. It was his last day as one of our department managers. This was not the kind of way someone wants to end his time at a place of work. It’s not the way you want to leave a place. Then to have to call everyone to let them know what is going on at work….that must be a very heavy and painful responsibility. He didn’t go alone thankfully, but it was sobering to think of the two of them finding a man we found so endearing and kind in an absolute and final state of hopelessness.
It isn’t until after a person passes that you start to get a glimpse of their life. Especially while you’re in a professional environment. You kind of know them. You get glimpses of their life as time goes on, but you never really know the whole story. Had I known all I found out, I would have reached out more. He lived alone after his mother passed away two years ago. Very little family left in the world. He dealt with chronic pain, but never seemed to complain about a thing. Always did what he could for you when you asked. Always gave insightful feedback. Never seemed upset by anything, always very easy going. Joking and laughing like the rest of us.
I just can’t believe he’s gone. Tomorrow I have to walk into work and hold it all together while knowing his absence. Feeling him not being there will be the worst. Knowing I won’t have that extra pair of helping hands and that kind personality to connect with will be difficult. That person with a listening ear and a good story to tell was going to never speak or listen again.
Just wish I could have done something. I’m sure we all do. Nothing we can do now, but wish and love on each other.