Sad News

“He committed suicide last night.”


My heart sank into my stomach. 


“Oh wow.” Was all I could muster. 


A coworker I worked close to had ended his own life. The last person in the world I would have thought to take his own life, was gone. Always smiling and joking around with everyone. Always something nice to say, or something wise to impart on people. Thoughtful and introspective as ever. Clear blue eyes and a heart of gold. 


A broken heart of gold apparently. 


I felt bad for the manager who called me. He had gone to my coworkers home to find him when he didn’t show up for work. It was his last day as one of our department managers. This was not the kind of way someone wants to end his time at a place of work. It’s not the way you want to leave a place. Then to have to call everyone to let them know what is going on at work….that must be a very heavy and painful responsibility. He didn’t go alone thankfully, but it was sobering to think of the two of them finding a man we found so endearing and kind in an absolute and final state of hopelessness.


It isn’t until after a person passes that you start to get a glimpse of their life. Especially while you’re in a professional environment. You kind of know them. You get glimpses of their life as time goes on, but you never really know the whole story. Had I known all I found out, I would have reached out more. He lived alone after his mother passed away two years ago. Very little family left in the world. He dealt with chronic pain, but never seemed to complain about a thing. Always did what he could for you when you asked. Always gave insightful feedback. Never seemed upset by anything, always very easy going. Joking and laughing like the rest of us. 


I just can’t believe he’s gone. Tomorrow I have to walk into work and hold it all together while knowing his absence. Feeling him not being there will be the worst. Knowing I won’t have that extra pair of helping hands and that kind personality to connect with will be difficult. That person with a listening ear and a good story to tell was going to never speak or listen again. 


Just wish I could have done something. I’m sure we all do. Nothing we can do now, but wish and love on each other.


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6 thoughts on “Sad News

  1. Just so you know.. As someone who’s teetered on the edge himself, there’s nothing anyone can say or do unless the person who’s planning to take their own life reaches out. He likely led a double life much like I did/do when things got tough. The laughs and jokes are genuine, but the feeling is short-lived. I told one co-worker when I had taken a week off without any warning that I had actually checked into a hospital. She had no idea how depressed I had been, and we spoke almost daily. We knew about each other’s lives outside of work.

    I wrote about it here, if you care to read (http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-848934). It may offer some insight as to what he may have been going through, or at least to some degree. I’m sorry you’re left there with so many questions. I’m sorry for the mix of feelings you’ll likely have in the aftermath. It will get better.. Just try to remember the laughs you had and how it seems he was with you. That’s the best way to honor him and his memory.

    • Thank you. I too have dealt with issues of suicide and had to get professional help in the past. The world feels overwhelming and exhausting at times. I suppose I feel it’s more anger about how hard I have fought to live, and how willing he was to give up. But I also can’t be too angry if I have been that close to the edge myself. I get it, but I don’t…which makes it all more confusing and painful.

      Thank you for opening up, having such authenticity, and offering comfort. I appreciate it.

      • There are likely many parts to his story that you and/or anyone else will never hear. It’s tragic, really. It’s ok to be angry, as wrong as it might feel to be angry. I felt horribly guilty for being angry at my friend who took her own life. How good of a friend could I possibly be for being angry at my friend for making the hardest, and last, decision of her life? That was selfish on my part – I just wanted her here. I wanted to hear her laughter again and for us to share that macabre sense of humor we both had. I wanted that feeling back that I had when we’d talk, even if it wasn’t actually a conversation about much of anything. Then I’d feel guilty because I was being so selfish, given what she must have been going through when she decided to end it all. Now, many years later, I cherish the time we had together. I learned to appreciate every moment we have with our loved ones, even when we’re at odds. I also feel guilty because I don’t remember the sound of her voice. I remember the type of accent and things she’d say, but not her voice. How can you forget something like that? Grief is such an odd thing..

      • Yes. All of it. Just…yes. In a sad way I’m glad I’m not alone in my feelings, and share a sorrow with you, while I wish we did not have to share it at all. My feelings are a paradox.

      • Likewise. If you ever need to talk or whatever, feel free to reach out. Sometimes the anonymity of the net’ makes raw honesty much easier.

        It gets easier.. It just takes time.

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