Lately, I have been dealing with a bit of anger against God. Not that I would ever stop believing in Him, or accuse Him of being an unjust God, but he kind of anger that causes you to wonder what part of the plan it was supposed to be and how it was supposed to be used.
I have written about my struggle with my breakup, and how it was very difficult to have the kind of loyalty I did to my relationship, but to be the one who had to make the call to end it. I’ve noticed after some reflection, that every time I have been through a breakup, with only the exception of two, I was the one who was forced to call it off. I find myself upset about it. Mainly because it’s extremely wounding to the nature of my desire to remain loyal to those people. I am also angry that it wasn’t the other effected party who had to make the call. Why me? I suppose some kind of personal revelation should come out of this, but try as I may I only find myself angry. Why was I the one who had to go through the emotional torture of having to separate my loyalty from the other person? Also, why the torturous feelings? Why can’t God just make the hurt go away if I’m supposed to be the one who makes the call? Why do I get stuck with guys who won’t acknowledge the problems in the relationship? Why do I have to do the bailing out and then feel like a traitor for abandoning ship?
I should get over it. I should, but I can’t get over it. Breakups are painful. Even if you don’t miss the romance or the struggles, you still find yourself missing the person. Missing how they made you feel for all those good moments you felt. Maybe I’m supposed to learn that it isn’t my fault. Maybe I’m supposed to learn not to hurt so much and feel like a failure for doing “the right thing,” as so many have been telling me. I’m not sure. I’m not God. Maybe I’m not supposed to learn anything? Maybe I just suck at making decisions for my potential partners? Maybe I should die alone, not because I’m so loyal, but because I’m loyal to the wrong people?
I have no answers. Just needed to get that off my chest.