I closed the door. I wasn’t ready to listen to it again. Another shouting match going above and beyond the normal debate of fighting, and into the name calling and scathing comments about each others intelligence. I couldn’t take it. I wouldn’t take it. So I closed my door and turned up my headphones as I usually do in these kinds of situations. Then I began typing this.
I am a person who is not afraid of conflict. My family is full of stubborn people. We are always in conflict over something. If we aren’t in conflict we are poking jokes at conflicts we don’t want to resurrect or trying to make a conflict seem dumb enough to avoid it. All of it seems like damage control. My life is constant conflict, but I am becoming worn out on the volume of it. The audio volume that is. With his many strong personalities in one place the amount of conflict that goes on is going to be number out….let’s just be realistic….but when ever my parents fight it gets much louder than the usual loud. It wears and your brain and mind considerably. Like a bomb blast that rattles your brain and causes post traumatic stress. Yes you survive it. Yes it was far away. No, you didn’t come out of it without scars.
Since my previous relationship I have spent a great deal of time evaluating what kind of person I want to be with, if God plans for me to be with anyone (still a little painful to say). I pray about it. A lot. Probably more than I should…. Or maybe just as much as I should. I don’t know. The point is, I pray I don’t treat my future spouse as badly as my parents treat each other sometimes. That he doesn’t treat me as badly either. I have been in relationships with yellers. I don’t want to marry a yeller, but rather someone who would rather talk it out with me and let me cry it out instead of antagonizing me into a shouting match. I know yelling is going to happen. Sometimes it cannot be avoided when two people are wounded enough, but I don’t want someone who’s first reaction is to yell. I don’t fight to antagonize. More often than not, I fight because I am more upset by not understanding, or I am hurt and want someone who doesn’t understand to try to understand. I argue to be heard, and admittedly, I don’t always hear in return, but I try to as well.
I am not a yeller by nature. I am a debater. A compromiser. Yes, also a cryer. I would much rather be quietly upset, or cry my feelings away than yell them out. Talk about how I feel, with someone willing to listen to how I feel, and vice versa. I only yell when antagonized to, or when the quiet words aren’t working anymore…and oh can I yell, but to be the yeller can hurt just as much as being the yelled at. The aggression doesn’t go away. It isn’t released just because you “let it all out.” It doesn’t really leave. Yelling is a survival skill that helps a person (and most animals) prepare for an attack or to kill. It hypes up adrenalin and causes the situations to escalate. I don’t want situations to escalate. What is the point of escalation? What is the point of making the other person more angry? That’s antagonistic. It gets people nowhere.
The tool I have personally developed to help me in arguments with people I love is to stop the argument to tell them I love them or to walk away and pause the argument to calm down before I start yelling. It doesn’t always work to the benefit of the situation. I wasn’t looking to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to fight with them, but arguments often are the only way two people can come to some kind of compromise or understanding, and often it is because someone has to at one point or another, be willing to admit they’re wrong, or agree to disagree. Often times that act of taking a moment to pause everything and quiet yourself and them can even stop the argument…not every time, but quite a bit of the time.
I want a future that is loud in the happy way. Silly comments and tons of laughter. Like my family can be in happier moments. Fake fights where we can yell compliments at each other as if we are angry. I want the house loud with intellegent conversations and games. Debates and a few parties here and there. That’s the kind of loud I want in my life.