I hate making decisions that involve monthly payments. I dread the day I find an apartment, not because I’m not so very ready to move out of my parents house, but because I am terrified of monthly payments. I don’t like owing anybody. I discovered this when I got my very first credit card last month. I made a pre-sale purchase for a Clinique bonus gift, and even though I knew I wouldn’t have to pay the bill until after the day the sale dropped because my card wouldn’t charge until then, I found myself irritated knowing I had a thirty some odd dollar transaction pending on it.
The reason I find myself writing this is because recently my parents informed me that they would be dropping their cell phone plan by the time my brother got married in July. For anyone else who made what I make in a month, this wouldn’t be much of an issue. At first it wasn’t an issue for me. That is until I started looking for cellphone plans. I first went the pay-as-you-go route. Seeking information about the best possible price. After about three hours of research I had a panic attack and had to stop.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I was afraid I wasn’t looking at the right information. Then I started getting confused. All I wanted was unlimited talk and text. No data necessary. I also wanted to be able to keep my own phone number so I wouldn’t have to go through the pain of getting all my old contacts again, or sending out an annoying mass text or Facebook message. But you would think that it would be easy, and it seemed that way, until I started looking at the price of phones combined with the possibility of hidden fees.
I felt overwhelmed. So I calmed down and fell asleep on my bed.
By now I have determined my options and am considering Virgin Mobile as my highest possibility and best deal, but it took me a few weeks to finally research it and come up with that. It was just so daunting a task at the time. To have to worry about owning money. To see the price of some of the nicer phones. To know I might not be able to get an insurance plan on that phone, and be concerned about hidden fees. I still find myself worried I’m not asking the right questions or seeking out the right information. I don’t want to look at consumer reports about which carrier is the best bang for your buck, because haters are going to hate, and I have often been scared out of deals by people who just had a bad week and needed to complain about something.
I work in customer service…or rather I did before switching positions last month. I get that some products aren’t going to satisfy everybody. I guess that’s the point of getting a no-contract phone. If you don’t like it, you can ditch it and try something else at the end of the month. So, in the end I really don’t have anything to worry about.
It’s just daunting to think about having to pay for your mistakes on your own. That lonely part of being independent. Having everything fall back on you if it all goes wrong. Not having someone to have your back. I don’t have many friends here who I can count on. My parents would be close by, but probably not without some kind of lecture about how irresponsible I am, or another critique of the personal kind. As loving as they are they can also be a bit annoying, as parents often are when struggling with the idea of their child growing up and flying the nest.
Perhaps they have right to be concerned.
I know suffering from depression that I lack confidence in a great many things. Including my own self value. But moments like these I find very discouraging. Mainly because they seem so small and insignificant in comparison to some things. I also hate how the last few weeks were so filled with anxiety, but in perhaps another week or so, I will have the exact opposite reaction because I sweat the small stuff. I have a more level head about situations that are less in my control. Like near accidents with my car. I once had a guy nearly side swipe me last week, and my automatic reaction was to think to myself “That was kinda close.”
I felt nothing. No fear. No freak out. No sudden burst of adrenaline that I could sense. My heart wasn’t even racing. It wasn’t until I was at work cleaning out a storage agree nearly four hours later that I realized how unusual my response was. I could have died I told myself…and still I felt nothing.
As I started analyzing it a bit more, I found myself realizing I did the same thing with a cancer scare I had a year prior. One of my lymph nodes was enlarged and I had to have a pretty quick biopsy done on it to make sure it wasn’t cancer. The whole time it never occurred to me to panic. I felt nothing about it. Wasn’t even nervous about the procedure or anything. They did what they needed to do, and all I did was lay there and watch the screen fascinated by what the Ultrasound looked like and how odd it was to have a giant needle so close to my jugular, and feel it, but without pain. When I got the call that the node wasn’t cancerous, I didn’t even feel relieved or happy. Just kinda “Oh, that’s good.” That was it. An even numbness.
To think I have panic attacks over spending money on a cellphone plan, and not to be worried in the slightest about cancer was a little strange. Maybe a coping mechanism. Maybe I’m just a hot mess….okay I am a hot mess, but maybe more of one than I realized.
I don’t know what all this means, but I know that I have until July to find a phone plan, and I don’t have cancer. That’s about it.