A Miserable Dream

I had a sad dream last night. It was strange and heartbreaking enough that I want to cry thinking about it now.

In my dream I was married to my current boyfriend, and I had found out I was pregnant. I kept trying to tell him in person, but he had all these meetings and a sudden trip he had to go on. So while he was on the trip I had a miscarriage, having never told him that I was pregnant in the first place. So I didn’t tell him at all. I suffered in my sorrow silently. He never found out, but he kept getting upset with me that I became such a quiet person. So he left me.

It was a miserable dream. Borderline nightmare. What feel strange about it though is that it feels like something I would totally do. I don’t even want kids and I know this would be something I would do if I was pregnant and things occurred in this manner. It feels like the kind of thing I would do to protect the one I loved from heartache.

I’m spending my morning wondering what this all says about me. Part of me is upset, because I feel like it says I would be a push over in my relationships. I would give it all away to make him happy, even at the cost of my own, but I perceive this to be a really unhealthy mentality. To suffer my own misery silently. It is what I do with my depression anyway. I don’t talk about being sad much anymore. I know it makes people upset. It hurts people I care about. So it is easier to feel what I need to feel, than to add the emotions of others I to the mix.

I fear the emotions of others I think. Or rather, I take them on to easily and empathize too quickly. I feel with them, to the point where I cannot handle it. So I use avoidance to deal with it.

Now I just have to figure out how to change it.

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2 thoughts on “A Miserable Dream

  1. It can be really, really really really really, really difficult to let other people know what’s really going on in your head. Inside of you. I kept the depth of my depression from my wife for almost an entire year and it (& other problems that came with it) almost led to a divorce. It’s especially difficult if you have low self-esteem or are suicidal. You can start to think “What would be the use of sharing my troubles anyway.” And worse.

    At the same time: Sometimes it is a bad idea to read too much into dreams. Or too literally.

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