I had a sad dream last night. It was strange and heartbreaking enough that I want to cry thinking about it now.
In my dream I was married to my current boyfriend, and I had found out I was pregnant. I kept trying to tell him in person, but he had all these meetings and a sudden trip he had to go on. So while he was on the trip I had a miscarriage, having never told him that I was pregnant in the first place. So I didn’t tell him at all. I suffered in my sorrow silently. He never found out, but he kept getting upset with me that I became such a quiet person. So he left me.
It was a miserable dream. Borderline nightmare. What feel strange about it though is that it feels like something I would totally do. I don’t even want kids and I know this would be something I would do if I was pregnant and things occurred in this manner. It feels like the kind of thing I would do to protect the one I loved from heartache.
I’m spending my morning wondering what this all says about me. Part of me is upset, because I feel like it says I would be a push over in my relationships. I would give it all away to make him happy, even at the cost of my own, but I perceive this to be a really unhealthy mentality. To suffer my own misery silently. It is what I do with my depression anyway. I don’t talk about being sad much anymore. I know it makes people upset. It hurts people I care about. So it is easier to feel what I need to feel, than to add the emotions of others I to the mix.
I fear the emotions of others I think. Or rather, I take them on to easily and empathize too quickly. I feel with them, to the point where I cannot handle it. So I use avoidance to deal with it.
Now I just have to figure out how to change it.