A Fear of Boredom

To certain men before, I was the excitement they wanted. But they only wanted excitement because they were boring, and eventually that left me as the entertainment….and I was so exhausted and bored of them. It pains me to say it. It feels shallow to say it. But it was true. They were bored, and used me as a toy. A dancing monkey while they were on the organ grind. My collar a band of glittering gold they told me was a gift, and next thing I knew I was trapped in a cage, only brought out to dance in public, but ignored in private. So I escaped, but I live with a brokenness and fear of suffering from boredom.

The only problem this has presented now, is that I also relate relaxation with boredom. I fear sitting too long without having a task to do. Perhaps that is partly why I write this blog daily. It is why I make jewelry or doodle. It is why I avoid television and read books instead. It is why my film selection is often heavy and thoughtful, with complex themes and creative visual experiences. It gives me something to do. It gives me something to keep my mind and thoughts busy. My hands busy.

Blogging and journaling has always made me think deeply. About myself. About my world. About the world outside of me. About questions that can unravel the universe and rebuild it. I am in constant need of doing something. But this something brings me to people like you, who see these things. Other deep thinkers and lover of words. People different than me. Outside of me. People who help me unravel and rebuild the universe. People who open my world to minds with thoughts that are different than my own. It opens my heart to people who I can experience emotional connections with at great distances. It makes the world a bit smaller yes, but never has the world been more exciting when I can live it with others.

Life isn’t boring. People who are boring are lifeless. They are something that needs to be feared, because they suck the life out of you. The truth is that no one should be boring, because being different than someone else is never boring.

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