“Why did it hurt so much?”
“I don’t know.”
The picture laid on the carpet floor. His face amount the others were staring up at me. Each one a story of either heartache or wonder. How could we have drifted? What was she thinking getting married so young? Wonder how that guy’s doing? All questions that ran through my head as I looked at their faces, but my eyes landed on his face, not quite knowing how to feel.
College buddies. Significant others. Exes. I no longer missed him, but couldn’t help but wonder what kind of closure would make all the questions around him dissipate.
Did he ever really love me?
I suppose when someone is engaged to someone else so quickly after you break up with them, it causes a great deal of confusion. If they ever cared as much as they seemed to. If they ever grew up and became the person that their current significant other needs. If they ever wonder about you, and how you’re doing. Probably not. Probably because they don’t care. Probably because they have a new someone who is their world. Someone they were willing to commit to. The kind of commitment that they weren’t willing to give you. Makes you feel like a piece of meat. Like you were used for something. It kinda sucks, but at the same time, you’re glad. Glad that they found someone who suited them better. Glad you found someone better suited for you. Glad that you dodged the bullet of then, from the gunfight of then, for the person you have now.
But it hard on me sometimes, to wonder if I was really as precious to him as he said. Perhaps it shouldn’t bother me? Perhaps I’m doing an awful job of letting it go? Is it normal to wonder? Even if the feelings aren’t there between us, is it normal to wonder why I wasn’t enough? Or do people just determine that it wasn’t in the cards and get over it?
Why do I keep wondering where it went wrong, when I am still relieved it did go wrong?