” my plan is to go in there and warn her that I’m going to be the worst patient I. The world, because seriously I don’t give a shit anymore!”
“Don’t you want to be healthy for your boyfriend and husband some day?” She asked, trying to be a good mom, but still using slight emotional manipulation.
“If I don’t give a shit about myself anymore what makes you think I want to give a shit about myself on behalf of someone else?”
The phone conversation ended very quickly after that. I was emotionally tired and drained. I hated the idea of having to establish with a new doctor. Having to go through the stern looks as if I was sabotaging my own health, when I had done everything they had asked of me. I did the eating right and exercise thing. Nope. Blood sugars too low. I did the taking blood sugars every day at every meal thing. Nope. Blood sugars were elevated slightly. I did the adjustments to my insulin. Too high or too low. A1C always sucked.
I just couldn’t catch a break.
I’m at the point where I just want to give up. I’m lucky with all the stressors in my life if I get to eat a meal, and usually it’s so rushed I can’t even take a blood sugar because it seriously wastes time. Besides, if they keep accusing me of sabotaging my own health, why should I have nothing to show for it? I have depression, and a ton of other chronic illnesses. Do they think I want to keep living at the price it costs to keep myself alive? Do they really think that one day I will be able to afford it anyway? An awful mentality? I don’t care.
I wonder if doctors really have patients that take good care of themselves. If they do I bet they’re the rich, retired people. The ones who had been doctors themselves, who no longer work, and can afford the money it takes to eat healthy and have the leisure of an active lifestyle. Not the recent college graduate, pinching pennies so she can move out of her parents house, working two jobs, and hardly gets a chance to have a decent diner much less take a blood sugar and insulin for it.
But then I have to take a step back and remember….
My cousin has a brain tumor. He isn’t old. He isn’t unhealthy. He’s athletic and handsome, with a beautiful wife and a life full of promise and potential. Pieces of his brain are gone, but he is so optimistic. Recently he had surgery to treat another kind of tumor that decided to turn up. Only a few months after that, he told me he is working with a group of athletes to help organize athletic events to raise money to cure type one diabetes. The very kind I have.
“I’m going to find you a cure.” He told me. “Well get through this.”
I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Not just because of the selflessness, but because I have hope for a cure. But what can be done for cancer? What can I do with a body so broken, and a spirit so tired and discouraged, that could possibly help him, when he has dedicated his life, and the last of his health to helping me?
I tell you….it is beyond humbling. Its a
Most painful, and with so little resources, and so little time, I have so little to offer. So I pour out my spirit in prayer. Prayer for healing for both of us. Prayer for courage for both of us. Prayer that one day God will overcome for us….or just come back for us.