The rooster crowed loudly outside my window, but I was already awake. The anxiety of the day pressing on me before it even began. Before the sun was even up. Before I had met another soul. I had nothing to be afraid of, and yet there I was. Fearful. Knowing that large groups of people were not my forte, and yet I had agreed to let his mother throw a BBQ in my honor.
The introvert in me shutters.
I write this in the past tense, but it is happening currently. I do not know why it feels better to write it in the past tense. Perhaps because it helps me distance myself from the anxiety of the here and now. It helps me feel a little less afraid of it all. I know a handful of people coming. I had met them on Skype and a few in person. But today, so many faces will pass before my eyes. I will shake so many hands. I will smile and nod and attempt to be conversational. Then I will pack my bags and he will whisk me away to meet yet another set of new people. More unfamiliar faces that I will be asked to interact with.
It’s a little much for this introvert to take.
I do however love the excitement of travel. I enjoy going for long rides in the car. Especially with him. He is a good conversationalist. That is one of the many reasons I love him. He is able to make small talk significant. Something that I struggle with, having not been so good at small talk when I was little and having an inquiring mind that doesn’t quite know when to stop prying into people’s lives, I don’t do well with it. I got scolded a lot as a child for it. So now I just avoid it. I ask about superficial things. Books people have read. Shows they enjoy that I never have seen because I do not watch much television. What they do for a living. Pets. Things that people don’t mind talking about. After that list….I run out of steam and withdraw into myself, only focusing on listening.
I enjoy that much. Listening.
What I think I fear most is people asking me to share about myself. I have very little I can say about me. They don’t know life back home. They don’t know my struggles. They don’t know my diseases. All of which are huge parts of who I have become over time. All of which are super exhausting to reiterate.
I think I need to sleep a bit longer. I’m tired.