Stressed, Depressed, But….Hopeful.

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I laid in my bed some time, trying to read and simultaneously think about what to post. Again I struggled. I didn’t know what to write. Inspiration did not come. I wondered about my life. How boring it must be. How small and tired it must seem. How sad and lonely.

I promise you it is not true.

Though I deal with depression I find myself with a great deal of optimism. Optimism, that, if I had my way, I’m sure I would discard. But there is a great deal of beauty in my life that I just can’t seem to let go of.

Firstly, I have told so many that my strength is not my own doing ( if we can even call it strength, because much of the time it feels like something else entirely). Perhaps in a great bought of stubbornness I am seemingly strong, but I cannot attribute my strength, any further than stubbornness, to myself. I do whole heartedly believe that the reason I optimistically see such freedom in sorrow, is because of my Christian worldview. I find freedom in the raw reality of sadness, because I do believe God understands my sadness. I also hold dearly to verses like Psalm 34:18 The Lord is with the broken hearted and those crushed in spirit. He did not abandon me here forever. He does not allow sorrow without growth.

So hopelessness is lost on me.

Second, I have a wonderful family, who has lovingly supported me in everything and in any way they can. They don’t understand my depression. They don’t know how I went from a happy little girl to depressed. All they know is they witnessed it happen. Sure they can be insensitive, but I find it hard to be angry when they try so hard to understand something they have not experienced. We do the yelling until we get somewhere, hugs when fights are over, try not to nag, love each other no matter what, thing in my house. So I offer grace when I can, and they do too.

Thirdly, I have developed great friendships with encouraging people. They are not false encouragers either. They are the kind of friends who do not feel obligated to make me feel happy, because they admit sometimes stuff sucks and you need to let yourself be upset, but they also know when to inform me that upset is setting in too quickly, and I need to take some time to heal too. That is indeed good friendship. People who aren’t just buddy buddy with me, affirming everything I do. Who has time for that?

I appreciate authenticity much more than people who always affirm me, and I have found a great deal of friendships that have motivated me to better myself as a person, not just stick with the ever so tempting and self destructive behaviors we all have, and ignore. I have watched too many former friends fall too far, because they refused to befriend anyone who did not encourage their destructive behaviors. I have found a great deal of improvement in my life because of people who disagreed with me when I needed it.

Lastly, I have become introspective…almost to a fault. It’s a blessing and a curse. I question my own motivations very carefully, and spend a great deal of time analyzing my life. This is a scary process. I often come to find that there is a great deal that I do not like about myself, but the beautiful part, is when I identify what I do not like, I am obligated to change it. Thankfully, this change is not made by me alone, I refer to my first reason for optimism. Faith. I do not suffer by any means alone.

There is always hope.

A little less of a depressing post for you all.

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